In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change my approach to Spirituality

What I realized was hurting me:

In the most basic sense of the word I have isolated myself from my spirituality, and I feel the keen loss and the “calling home” sense. I have to admit that it has been a LONG time since I was an active participant in my spiritual path…

I have never felt anything profound and glorious and sparkly from the “Status Quo” religions of my life –The traditional churches left me feeling… empty. At 17 I started reading everything I could find on Wicca and started putting things into practice on my own. I dedicated myself, found others of like mind, joined a local coffee meet, and started writing for a Canadian Pagan publication. I continued to celebrate on my own and with the Pagan community from the age of 17 through 23, when I got married…

to the eldest son of a FUNDAMENTALIST PENTACOSTAL Christian Minister

I thought that theEx was okay with my religion but as soon as we got engaged and started to outwardly live together it became clear that he wasn’t comfortable with me being “different. My altars were put away, my statues were taken off the mantel, all books were hidden, my pentacle necklace and earrings were replaced by crosses, and none of my friends from the Pagan community were to invited to the wedding or reception.

 TheEx slowly tried to change me by a steady formula of ridicule, humiliation, guilt, and family obligations. He was forever telling me that I would grow to see the error of my “ways”, or at least give up “this childish belief” in Wicca.

How it hurt me:

It hurt to be made to feel like a dirty little secret in my own home. I believed that this man loved me, that we were going to be partners in life, but I couldn’t stop feeling connected to Wiccan/Pagan things.

I hid my ongoing interest and participation in the Pagan community from theEx. But inevitably theEx found me out and was FURIOUS that I hadn’t really “given it up” with the threat of “when we have kids my father will use this to try and get custody if he finds out” .

I stopped going to coffees and talking to other Pagans as the pressure to be “normal” for my husband’s sake increased upon me. His career started to take off, he started to socialize more with people from work, and he didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t “normal”.

Then I got pregnant with BoyChild. The pressure increased a hundredfold. Now, instead of ignoring me, XFIL expected me to start “towing the line” for a typical Christian wife and mother. I was no longer outside of the family structure, just a hanger-on to his son, I was now the mother of his first grandchild. I was to uphold the honor of the entire family by setting a good example attending services and being prayed over and coming into the church. TheEx continually snapped at me and threatened that if his father “found out” he had married a witch he would leave me and they would take my child from me… relying on my maternal instincts and terror in the face of someone who COULD and WOULD do anything he could to get his way…

 I fell into a deep depression. I was expected not only to attend services and rituals in a church that hurt my SOUL. I felt hopeless…

Hopeless hurts too.

I was hidden in my own home, and it was no way to live. I knew as long as I stayed I would never be free to decorate my home my own way. I would never be able to have an altar ANYWHERE in my home. I would never be free to wear personal symbols. I would not be free to discuss my opinions on religion or spirituality. I would not be free to share WHO I was and WHAT I believed with my children. I was locked inside my soul, trapped by fear of my hate-mongering xFIL coming down on me.

My Ex tried to break my spirit, but he broke our vows instead.

This 10 years of atrophied spirituality left me feeling uncertain when I was free to celebrate again. Consequently I was unable to jump right back into “Wicca” or “Paganism” and I went through a period of questioning. I had experiences with the Stalker of being pressured to be MORE Pagan and MORE open than I was ready to be, which further injured my soul, and made me further question myself. He didn’t understand, I needed to HEAL and learn to feel SAFE again.

Now I am more ready to explore what was so scary and painful for so long.

How am I going to start making changes?

Connection connection connection!!

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

I’m committing to feeling my way through this. Rather than get caught up in traditions and Paths, I am going to take a more eclectic approach and discerning what works for ME on a spiritual level. I will feed my soul what IT needs, not what makes other people happy.
 

My AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations in which I don’t automatically fall asleep. I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.So I will.

1. what I feel needs to be changed,
2. what I realized was hurting me
3. how it was hurting me
4. how I am going to start making changes
5. why I need to change
6. Affirmations for change to happen

It’s Week 5 (out of 6 weeks) for the Decluttering Goddesses eCourse that I have decided to take… and I have to admit, I’m TORN.

The course is made up of 2 parts — decluttering your space and reinventing your relationship to your STUFF, and a more spiritual aspect where the participants are encouraged to create space withing their homes that nourish their souls.

I am working through week 5 on the decluttering part (after a brief period of time where, because of the kids and work and social obligations I was unable to really unload my stuff or go through parts of the apartment), I’m revising my lifestyle and reviewing the way I shop and what I am trying to accomplish with the shopping thing. I feel good about this part.

But the spiritual stuff? OOOOH… stuck stuck stuck!! SOOOO stuck.

Why am I stuck? Well… simply? I don’t feel SAFE with my spirituality.

And about now people will be thinking I’m cracked (as I hedge, and realize I am doing so and that its not necessarily BENEFICIAL to assume what other people are thinking… sigh) or that maybe what the course is asking me to do is something so against my personal spiritual beliefs that I might feel like doing so was putting my very soul in jeopardy.

Absolutely not.

Week 1 was the process of setting up an altar. An ALTAR. Something that I have wanted to set up in my home for YEARS. But yet, without that shove and “love letter” from Goddess Leonie I had avoided and dodged having an altar before this point. And even though I read the course materials the minute they came out, I waited until the last day of the week 1 before I even attempted to set up my altar.

Week 2 I was to smudge and cleanse my space. Umm… totally didn’t do it. I avoided it. I had all sorts of excuses… and yet the excuse of not knowing how to do such a thing? Not at all true. I have incence. I have access to smudge sticks and sweet grass I can burn… In my past life I did house cleansings and clearings and blessings. I have been to sweat lodges where I smudged and was smudged. I have cleared and cleansed my crystals and sacred areas many other times. But I couldn’t bring myself do do it this time. I resisted… I avoided… I HURT…

Week 3 came and I still felt so stuck. I couldn’t concieve of setting up “prayer (spell) spots” in my home. I might not understand Feng Shui, but I know spells, I have done spells (or prayers) in that way before. But looking at the grid and making any attempt to make heads or tails of where my space was in accordance to a grid (okay that is DEFINATELY a difficulty for me, spacial manipulations are extremely difficult for me to do)….

I was resisting. I knew I was resisting. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do something so SIMPLE… so consistent with my beliefs… and I started to feel broken and tearful whenever I looked at it, and the resistance became a big fat blob of dark, icky, sticky, sappy, GOO that I couldn’t move through and I didn’t know how to get it OFF. And the more I felt it around me, the more scared I was…

I didn’t know what to DO. I was unable to move forward. Here I was, a Witch who couldn’t do the smallest things to clean and clear her space! This feeling of “ickied-stuckness” was what led me to join this course, and yet, here it was again, stopping me from moving forward.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my issues — these are my problems, I shouldn’t be so presumptuous to think that anyone else would want to know about these things, because they were so UNUSUAL — and so I kept silent. I focused on going through the minutia of my STUFF and tossing things out… and I avoided the big scary thing that I couldn’t make eye contact.

But I could FEEL it… the sticky, gummy… STUFF. Like pine sap sticking and clinging and holding me back, making me feel like I’m fighting to pull off stuff and out of stuff, only to be *shmph* right back stuck in the sap again. Every time I braced myself and read through the lovely handwritten love letters from Goddess Leonie it was like combing the pine sap out of my hair (I have a LOT of experience with sap in my hair, being that I practically LIVED in pine and fir trees when I was younger) and every time I became mired in the sappy stuckness I struggled… like a butterfly fearing she was going to be consumed by amber…

But I couldn’t ask for help.

I didn’t know where to turn to, I didn’t know who might UNDERSTAND the stuck. I was afraid. But I did soemthing that was very scary for me…

I reached OUT…

• I tweeted about my stuckness with the feng shui stuff.
• I chatted online to Kyeli
• I emailed Goddess Leonie and Lisa with some of what I could “verbalize” that was sticking me
• I talked to friends (who I don’t think understood why I have such problems with simple things)
• I cried… a LOT.

Eventually I realized that there was something THERE, keeping me from being able to be spiritual.

I did not feel SAFE to be open with my spirituality. I don’t feel safe, even in my own HOME, not yet.

I am afraid that the kids will see my altar and tell their father, and that their father will try to sue for full custody. Yes, I know that he has no legal leg to stand on, because nothing I do is in any way harmful to myself or my children… but after 14 years of being cautioned to fear my fundamentalist Christian in-laws (because they would either a) try to “deprogram” me, b) try to take my children from me, or c) constantly prosteltyze to me or “save” me) I still fear being too open with my beliefs around my children. My ex is too afraid of his father to stand against him (a HUGE reason in his controlling behaviour towards me — a “good husband controls his wife”), and I know that he would do anything to hurt me even if it meant hurting the kids in the process.

I am afraid of being judged by Reg. He knows, conceptually, that I am Pagan. He doesn’t know what that means, but as I don’t really talk much about my spirituality or religious feelings. But I have had bad experiences in the past, and I am afraid of being too “different” too quickly…

I know its all in my head (and heart) and that its not a REAL barrier… it doesn’t exist in the real world. But its still there… I still feel like i need to make my home SAFE for me, to accept ME… to make me a nest so I can start to HEAL from my marriage, where I can learn to accept myself, where I can feel secure enough to dance, draw, sing, create, love, and BE loved…

Its WHY I started this process, its what I blessed and charged my altar for… its just gonna take some work.

But its now week 5, at the end of next week the course is over, and at this rate I will NOT be done getting through the different tasks, and I won’t have anyone I can reach out for for a bit of support or when I can’t bend my mind around the stuckness… I feel like I am too broken to complete this in 6 weeks. I feel the panic of time running out, of what will I do if I still have a question after this is over???

For now? I am going to try and draw out what i *think* my house looks like, and ask for the help that was offered, take a deep breath, and know that its okay to cry if I have to…