Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Count down and where the hell did the time go?

February2

I am starting to panic

No, seriously, I’m not sure if I can “get ‘er done” and get everything moved.  It feels like there is SO much to do and I don’t know if I can get it all completed in time.

This is the first time I will be moving on my own with minimal help.

The first time without a “partner” to assist in packing and cleaning and arranging things (although I did all the logistics)

The first time without family assistance

The first time I need to deal with 2 homes at once – moving stuff out , doing repairs, and cleaning the old place while painting and setting up a new place.

The first time I will OWN a place on my own

And I haven’t even started packing

You heard me, I haven’t started packing yet.

I intended to do a bunch of it this past weekend… but things didn’t work out that way. Friday found me exhausted from being kept awake late by the neighbors and then woken up AGAIN by same neighbors at 4am when they decided to turn their music UP… I was a walking zombie Friday at work.

Added to that, the stress seemed to finally catch up with me and I ended up with the beginning of a UTI. I plain didn’t feel like trying to find boxes and drag everything out and pack it up.

And then I had to run out to the Scout camp on Saturday night to go to campfire for my BoyChild because his father had only agreed to let BoyChild GO if he didn’t have to do anything other than drop him off and pick him up (and BoyChild wanted to go and for some reason hoped his father would care enough to come and participate with all the other parents at the campfire event… he doesn’t know his father very well, does he?). So in order to not make BoyChild feel like no one cared about him, I trucked my sorry (and SORE) ass out in the snow to the middle of nowhere to be there for my kid.

That’s how I roll, yo!

And Sunday… well… I wanted to REST because I hadn’t slept well and I hadn’t felt well…. I just wanted downtime.

I should have booked myself off from all other obligations and found boxes and packed. But I didn’t.

So I have to find a way to find boxes between my full time job, evening activities and obligations, housework, and parenting this week. Which I am thinking won’t be easy to do because this week I have something each evening – Scouts, Dance,  counseling appointment, support group, kids – so unless boxes fall from the sky or I purchase banker boxes I will have to wait until the weekend to start packing…

And that’s not ALL I have to do, I still have to:

  • Change my address for all my accounts and things
  • Get my satellite service moved
  • Get internet hooked up in my house
  • Choose paint colours
  • Figure out when people can bring deliveries
  • Disassemble things which can’t fit out the doors of the old place
  • Fix doors and paint issues in the old place

 

And OMG taxes need to be done… and things need to be dealt with.

I don’t feel qualified to do this stuff on my own. I don’t feel like I should be solitary, but I am. I feel like I need family,  I need care and love and being part of a group that will actually work with me. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I realize that I am truly alone in a world that is dark and scary. Where I thought I would have someone to have and to hold, I have cats who only want to be fed or to trip me in the dark.

I am glad to be single right now, don’t get me wrong. The alternatives would be theEx (abusive and distant), the Stalker (hoarder and clingy, also live the cycle of abuse), or Reg (totally tuned out of life), and I am happier without any of them. I am happier without being told what to do or think or say or be or eat or feel. I am happier doing my crafty things and being active (when its not too cold out) than sitting around gaining weight and watching tv. I am happier spending my time and energy on my children, rather than on being the perfect little wifey . I am happy with my mild clutter and clean spaces rather than facing the potential of dealing with a hoarder on a daily basis.

I look forward to having a home of my own and having MY tastes and style front and center. I want to explore who I am and what I am, and have that show in my space.

But sometimes, late at night, I wish I had someone to hug. I wish I had someone to help haul crap with me.  I wish that there was someone out there who could accept me for me…

I wish it didn’t feel “too late” for a 35 year old mother of 2… sometimes its just 2am inside my mind.

In the light of day I know it will all be okay. Not because I am stronger than I think (I am) or because there will be something magical that happens to pull it off at the last minute (there might be)… but because it has to be.

I just can’t seem to slow down time to give me more space …

posted under My Life | 5 Comments »

I had a thought

March26
But my brain ate it.
 
So… last night, about 1:30am or 2am, I was jolted awake by the “beep-beep-beep” and rumbling buzz of my phone signaling that I had received a text message.
 
Now… I don’t know about all of YOU (all 1-6 people who have in passing read this blogity-autobiographical rambling mess that signifies my life) out there in happy-internet-blog-land… but I tend to be ASLEEP, in BED, with my 2 felines well before 1am on a weekday.
 
Why?
 
Because, dear readers (snicker) I, like many other people in their mid-30s with debt to pay off and children to keep in clothing, shoes, food, and toys, have what is colloquially called a “real job”. Which means that on weeknights I go to bed no later than 12am (which when I am not talking to RGG, Serin, or attempting to knit myself into a coma, is the LATEST I will be up) because I get up at 6am to get ready for WORK in the morning.
 
So, yeah.
 
First night in about 2 weeks that I haven’t had trouble falling asleep… and someone is texting me.
 
And who? Who might POSSIBLY be doing this?
 
Why, our friend the STALKER, of course.
 
Because I have been so warmly encouraging him to keep contacting me (at least in his mind), because I haven’t been abundantly CLEAR in that I do not want to talk to him in person, on the phone, recieve text messages, emails, IM contact, or even get notification of his status changes on FACEBOOK, because I am so HAPPY when I hear from him…
 
Well… for whatever deluded reason he continues to find ways and reasons to contact me. And I get frustrated with this, as I have no desire to be contacted.
 
I mean, you’d THINK that blocking IM, Facebook and filtering all email that came from him would be a hint, right? Or the fact that I changed my phone number because I didn’t want him to phone or text me anymore? Or the fact that I stated, clearly, that I didn’t want to ever talk to him again, EVER…  any or all of those facts should have been enough for him to cease and desist in talking to me.
 
But no.
 
He found my phone number again. And he dropped off every piece of unwanted junk that I might have accidentally left at his place off on my doorstep. And he STILL texts me.
 
Such as last night, when he texted me IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
 
The purpose, of which, was to tell me a few things that apparently he just NEEDED to tell me RIGHT THEN:
  1. That he was deauthorizing me from his iTunes account. Well… that’s nice. I had taken him off MINE approximately 2 minutes after realizing I didn’t want this man in my life… maybe before that…
  2. That HE wasn’t the person sending comments and texts and other assorted attempts at contact, even though it might have been coming from HIS computer. And, seriously, I don’t care WHO it is that might still be thinking I care enough to send me comments… could be his 9 year old, could be his best friend, could be his new lady-love, could be his roommate… hell… it could be one of his alternate personalities that are crammed tight into his skull for all I care, if the comments are coming from his computer chances are that HE knows about them and is encouraging them even if he isn’t the one sending them to me.
  3. That he misses me and needs… then the message gets cut off (and thankfully that was the last one).
The timing of this kinda made me think that the dude was drunk texting me. Which pisses me off because, really, how many times does one person have to change their phone number and request that the other take their numbers off/out of their phone before they DO it?
 
And once more…
 
Life lessons from Pam:
  • Ex’s are no fun… even when you leave things on not-horrible terms it is no fun to deal with an ex anything.
  • Some people just don’t get the hint, even after you hit them over the head with a lead pipe.
  • The best way to deal with situations like this is to just not respond at all. Eventually I’m sure he’ll get tired of trying to get my attention and he’ll just find something better to do with his time and energy.
  • The more things drag on with the Stalker and the unwanted attention, the more happy I am that I have RGG in my life…
  • I am not going to let fear rule my life… or anger.
  • I know how to make a voodoo dolly… just saying…
 
 
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How its going

February22
Okay… so I didn’t manage to write all that much last week, which was likely good because by the friday before I went on “vacation” I started to have shooting pains in my right wrist whenever I typed. 
And you know, when typing and writing are so vitally important to you, that kinda sucks. So for the most part I did not do any writing this week. 
Instead I spent MOST of the week with RGG and all the kids.
And you know? I’m STILL not sure with him.
I mean, I love him, and I am attracted to him and I feel really good about things with him. For the most part I haven’t tried to do a lot of communicating with him lately, just letting things go as they go, and I think that the biggest issue is that I am overthinking things with “us”…
So my goal for the next while (at least the next month as I go through the upheaval of my house selling and finalizing the divorce and attempting to figure out my taxes and stuff) I am determined to just let things happen as they happen and not push anything. Which means:
  • I am not going to be phoning him during the weeks. Now, I know that that means that I will likely not have any contact at all with him (he is saying his internet is down and his phone line is down) unless he calls me…
  • I will reply to texts, but I will not initiate them.
I went into this dating thing with no expectations, no real belief that I would meet someone special, and now I am a bit shocked at having met someone. The thing is, I know very well that we’re just in the infatuation stage now, and that things will not continue to be “good” all the time or for very much longer. I already have some signs that he might not be as interested in me as I am in him, and I do NOT want my heart broken this easily. But I am also not ready, or able, to get more serious with him than we have become. 
This is likely for the best.
So, I’m going to back off a bit and focus on the things that I need to get done in my life, and if he’s willing to continue to be there for me and with me when things are all worked out, I am sure we will have a future.
In other news:
  1. The Stalker decided to start up again. Someone gave him my phone number (and that means there is someone out there who I can’t really trust, because I only gave my number out to CLOSE friends and my landlord and family members!!). Last Sunday, while I was waiting for RGG and his daughter, C, to come over after supper, Stalker came by  my apartment with a box of stuff (none of which I needed OR wanted from him) which he dropped off on my back doorstep. THEN he texted me. And he phoned a few times. I haven’t replied to the text. I am not answering the phone when he calls. I don’t want any communication with him. I don’t want a friendship with him. I just want him to leave me alone.
  2. The Ex says he saw the Stalker drive through my back alley when he came to pick up the kids. I hope that the Stalker doesn’t think that he should confront me about my choices in my love life. I have made a police report to the effect that I have asked this person not to contact me and he has still been by my home.
  3. I was worried all week that the Stalker was watching me. For the most part it has made me feel nervous. Now I am feeling more PISSED OFF and if he tries I will be giving him a piece of my mind.
  4. The house sale has gone through. All we are waiting on is TheEx to move out. Then we assess the damages and what gets paid out and how much is left to deal with. I have decided on a plan of action with this stuff… and a back up plan too…
  5. I will be getting the remainder of the furniture from theEx. I am going to see if he will give me back my Starbucks cup collection as well. Can’t hurt to ask. It will feel GOOD to have more than 1 love seat to sit on in my house. AND it will be good to have the kids sleeping on real beds rather than air matresses as well. I have a few  more things I need to purchase, but it doesn’t seem so completely overwhelming anymore
  6. I am actually looking FORWARD to the future, rather than dreading it. I have a feeling that RGG will be in my life for at least the forseeable future, I have plans with the kids and with friends, I have goals to work towards… I know that things will be good.
Other than that… things are just plodding along. I am going to try to fill my days these next 2 weeks so I don’t feel so lonely without RGG, try to back off a bit and not be so needy (laugh), and get my life back in order. I have got to get back to the gym a bit more than I have been… :)
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

I am feeling better now.

January29
I am feeling better now.
 
I don’t know why I can’t panic silently… I really should just hide in my closet until my freak out is completed and THEN talk to other human beings. 
 
I guess I seek out comfort from other people by being told I am acting crazy. 
 
Sometimes I need that little, “hey, girl you are losing it! Get a grip.” thing from a friend or two.
 
I am over the panic over the future for now. I have decided to accept:
  • TheEx is an ass. He has a spending habit and that will likely never change. I could have gotten out earlier, I could have tried to stick it out for longer, but either way his spending would have dragged me down when I made the move to leave him.
  •  Stalker is childish. I do not have to get down to his level, and I do not owe him anything more than I have given him. If he wants to continue to push and pursue a friendship that I am not comfortable with, I will continue to defend myself.
  • I will be divorced before I am 35. I am sure that is bound to be both depressing as well as exhilarating. While I am glad that I will no longer be tied to TheEx, I never expected that I would be 35 and single, and I am really worried that BECAUSE I will be 35 this year I am pretty much going to be single for the rest of my life. Most of the time I am good with that, sometimes I wish that I could be part of a family again (just not with Stalker or TheEx)… but I’m not into rushing things anymore
  • RGG and I are at the stage when communication drops off drastically. While I worry about this, because this really is a long-distance relationship (if only a 45 minute drive between us, because of my parenting arrangement with TheEx and him having custody of his girls, we don’t have the opportunity to actually spend too much time together during the weeks) it doesn’t seem to worry RGG at all. Right now I have decided that it isn’t worth really putting too much energy into worrying about, RGG says he’s not planning on going anywhere, and I’m sure he’d tell me if he’d rather date a blonde (laugh) or wants something or someone else. And I am sure that if the strain becomes too much we’ll either communicate more or things will end. No use worrying too much while things are good. I have survived having my heart broken before.
  • I can’t know what will happen in July. I can only prepare the best I can for the financial future I will have and tighten up my budget now. I can prepare for the RRSP roll over situation, I can get more RRSPs to reduce my taxes, and I can hunker down for the worst… Or I can live simply and happily, keep a budget and weather the storm in the end. As various people have told me (and more than I thought have gone through this kind of thing) it will NOT be the end of the world…
    • my biggest worry about the whole potential bankruptcy thing is the fear of  being alone. Its a big one as I approach the big 3-5 this year. I have walked away from a family life, and as someone who is in that is a 35 year old female, statistically the chances of me ever really living with someone or remarrying are lowered significantly because of my “advanced age”, and adding a being a financial disaster to the list makes it even harder
  • I am accepting that I am alone in my life. I know that I have RGG and I have friends, but for the majority of the time I am a single solitary person, and at the end of most days I am alone and I can’t rely on anyone else to help me. I have to learn to be stronger, not to freak out, to do things alone, and to not plan too far ahead. I love RGG, and I have a good feeling that he’ll be in my life for a good long time, but right now its too new and uncertain to lean on him too much.
  • I am going to get a passport. I have been putting off this goal for YEARS, and I need to just bite the bullet and DO it. I know the only issue right now is getting someone as a guarentor… well… that and not knowing what name I am allowed to use.
 
 
The last few days have been… well… kinda an emotional disaster. I had a good weekend with RGG and his girls, but I was a bit upset over some of the things that had been going on in my life between me and TheEx, my legal issues, and the Stalker that I had been afraid to talk to RGG about (still really haven’t because he isn’t terribly interested) so I had been trying to handle them alone. And… everything caught up to me all of a sudden when the kids went to their father’s house.
 
Too much caffeine, an emotional dam bursting, and feeling very unsure about my current relationship with RGG (the “love” thing is a bit new for me) this weekend and I didn’t do so well over the weekend sleeping. Again… that created a lot of problems.
 
And so I have endeavored to cut back on my caffeine intake during the days… and monitor my sugar intake at night. And so far (other than a headache yesterday) things have started to normalize.
 
I am no longer really worried about losing touch with RGG, because we have been spending a good amount of time together on weekends for the last while. Its been good. He’s gonna get sick of me soon, but for now things are good.
 
I am no longer really worried about bankruptcy, because it will happen as it happens and I know that even if I am alone in my life I am a stronger person than I was when I was married to TheEx, I prepared for a life where I would be alone, and I know that I can make it through.
 
I have been sleeping better since I made these realizations. I have been out to visit RGG and I was able to sleep well beside him as well (laugh) and so I think that we’re good for now.
 
I am really hoping to see him again on the weekend, but he’s been kinda iffy about that and so I’m waiting and not setting anything in stone either. I’m good at that… I’m really good at pulling back and waiting things out, or moving on if need be.
 
After all… SOMEONE (who isn’t ME) signed me up for eHarmony… apparently I have OPTIONS (laugh) if what I want is to get married again some day.
 
 
posted under My Life | No Comments »

FREEEEEEEDOM!

January26
I haz freedom…
 
I need pictures. I think that I will have to do the picture posts eventually, I’m just lazy, after all.
 
You see… most of the writing I do is at work, when I’m not crazy-busy (which is most of the time right now) or trying to wrangle kids or cats to do my bidding.
 
Being a mother is hard work.
 
I think I should try taking over the world… its likely a lot easier and I would get more sleep at night.
 
Do you think that people bent on world domination really spend their nights fretting over the brand of cat food to buy or what to pack for lunches 2 days from now or if the laundry detergent smells fresh enough?
 
I seriously doubt it.
 
After all, the cats will eat just about anything I give them (and anything the scrounge off the floors or out of garbage cans if they can insert their dastardly paws inside to get things out), the kids have rarely (if ever) complained about what is in their lunch as long as they get a lunch packed, and I seem to be the only one that goes around sniffing the laundry.
 
Maybe I just want a more exciting life.
 
Maybe that’s why I blog?
 
I want to reach out there, I want to make connections… but I am not doing well at this and I don’t know why… how does one go about collecting people who read and whom they can read? After a year of working on this I am still stumped and I am still pretty much unread as far as I can tell — google data is confusing because I get things stating that 8 visitors came to my blog yesterday…
 
But only Serin ever notes me!
 
Which makes me wonder if I am doing things WRONG, because I might be… but what am I doing wrong?
 
The opinions seem to be varied… and who knows if they are the kinds of things that I need to look at either…
 
  1. I have been criticized because originally I wanted to use this as a sounding off board for my SPIRITUAL Path, which when I started out I thought was Wicca.
    • having been since told that I am not Wiccan (by various “authorities” on the subject) for a variety of reasons, I have been questioning my Path.
    • having no set statement any longer (am I wiccan? Wiccan? can I even call myself “Pagan” without being jumped on and pummelled?) of my faith… I have lost the feeling of what it is to be a Pagan person because it feels that the “community” has drastically changed in the years I was sitting on the sidelines.
    • having lost the feel for my spirituality, the podcast that I had started quickly dissolved into redundancy… I was not an “authority” on any Pagan subject, therefore it was unlikely that I would have topics that anyone within the “community” would be interested in… and that sorta shut down my enthusiasm for the project
      • I also NEVER recieved any feedback from the few Pagan Podcasters out there that I respected and whom I had written to regarding the project
      • I had no idea how to promote myself
      • I had a series of technology issues…
    • Being PRESSURED by someone who had no right to make spiritual demands of me put me off even looking at this aspect of my life even more, resulting in more “stuck” feelings on the subject and more avoidance.
  2. My writing style does not translate to blog
  3. My background, while pretty, distracts from the blog
  4. Not enough pictures in posts
 
Who knows…
 
posted under My Life, Spirit | 1 Comment »
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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