Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

I am feeling better now.

January29
I am feeling better now.
 
I don’t know why I can’t panic silently… I really should just hide in my closet until my freak out is completed and THEN talk to other human beings. 
 
I guess I seek out comfort from other people by being told I am acting crazy. 
 
Sometimes I need that little, “hey, girl you are losing it! Get a grip.” thing from a friend or two.
 
I am over the panic over the future for now. I have decided to accept:
  • TheEx is an ass. He has a spending habit and that will likely never change. I could have gotten out earlier, I could have tried to stick it out for longer, but either way his spending would have dragged me down when I made the move to leave him.
  •  Stalker is childish. I do not have to get down to his level, and I do not owe him anything more than I have given him. If he wants to continue to push and pursue a friendship that I am not comfortable with, I will continue to defend myself.
  • I will be divorced before I am 35. I am sure that is bound to be both depressing as well as exhilarating. While I am glad that I will no longer be tied to TheEx, I never expected that I would be 35 and single, and I am really worried that BECAUSE I will be 35 this year I am pretty much going to be single for the rest of my life. Most of the time I am good with that, sometimes I wish that I could be part of a family again (just not with Stalker or TheEx)… but I’m not into rushing things anymore
  • RGG and I are at the stage when communication drops off drastically. While I worry about this, because this really is a long-distance relationship (if only a 45 minute drive between us, because of my parenting arrangement with TheEx and him having custody of his girls, we don’t have the opportunity to actually spend too much time together during the weeks) it doesn’t seem to worry RGG at all. Right now I have decided that it isn’t worth really putting too much energy into worrying about, RGG says he’s not planning on going anywhere, and I’m sure he’d tell me if he’d rather date a blonde (laugh) or wants something or someone else. And I am sure that if the strain becomes too much we’ll either communicate more or things will end. No use worrying too much while things are good. I have survived having my heart broken before.
  • I can’t know what will happen in July. I can only prepare the best I can for the financial future I will have and tighten up my budget now. I can prepare for the RRSP roll over situation, I can get more RRSPs to reduce my taxes, and I can hunker down for the worst… Or I can live simply and happily, keep a budget and weather the storm in the end. As various people have told me (and more than I thought have gone through this kind of thing) it will NOT be the end of the world…
    • my biggest worry about the whole potential bankruptcy thing is the fear of  being alone. Its a big one as I approach the big 3-5 this year. I have walked away from a family life, and as someone who is in that is a 35 year old female, statistically the chances of me ever really living with someone or remarrying are lowered significantly because of my “advanced age”, and adding a being a financial disaster to the list makes it even harder
  • I am accepting that I am alone in my life. I know that I have RGG and I have friends, but for the majority of the time I am a single solitary person, and at the end of most days I am alone and I can’t rely on anyone else to help me. I have to learn to be stronger, not to freak out, to do things alone, and to not plan too far ahead. I love RGG, and I have a good feeling that he’ll be in my life for a good long time, but right now its too new and uncertain to lean on him too much.
  • I am going to get a passport. I have been putting off this goal for YEARS, and I need to just bite the bullet and DO it. I know the only issue right now is getting someone as a guarentor… well… that and not knowing what name I am allowed to use.
 
 
The last few days have been… well… kinda an emotional disaster. I had a good weekend with RGG and his girls, but I was a bit upset over some of the things that had been going on in my life between me and TheEx, my legal issues, and the Stalker that I had been afraid to talk to RGG about (still really haven’t because he isn’t terribly interested) so I had been trying to handle them alone. And… everything caught up to me all of a sudden when the kids went to their father’s house.
 
Too much caffeine, an emotional dam bursting, and feeling very unsure about my current relationship with RGG (the “love” thing is a bit new for me) this weekend and I didn’t do so well over the weekend sleeping. Again… that created a lot of problems.
 
And so I have endeavored to cut back on my caffeine intake during the days… and monitor my sugar intake at night. And so far (other than a headache yesterday) things have started to normalize.
 
I am no longer really worried about losing touch with RGG, because we have been spending a good amount of time together on weekends for the last while. Its been good. He’s gonna get sick of me soon, but for now things are good.
 
I am no longer really worried about bankruptcy, because it will happen as it happens and I know that even if I am alone in my life I am a stronger person than I was when I was married to TheEx, I prepared for a life where I would be alone, and I know that I can make it through.
 
I have been sleeping better since I made these realizations. I have been out to visit RGG and I was able to sleep well beside him as well (laugh) and so I think that we’re good for now.
 
I am really hoping to see him again on the weekend, but he’s been kinda iffy about that and so I’m waiting and not setting anything in stone either. I’m good at that… I’m really good at pulling back and waiting things out, or moving on if need be.
 
After all… SOMEONE (who isn’t ME) signed me up for eHarmony… apparently I have OPTIONS (laugh) if what I want is to get married again some day.
 
 
posted under My Life | No Comments »

Slander and attempted blackmail

January17
If I had been clear-headed, and not completely PANICKED about going to the meeting the next day I would have seen what he was trying to do with this series of things that he was doing to me… 
 
Which would simply be this: He was mad and frustrated that I no longer wanted to take his bullshit, that I was considering the comment and the made up “nasty” text messages about me, as childish and unacceptable ways to try and force me to call or talk to him and that I had blocked EVERY OTHER avenue to him having his say YET AGAIN and so he was going to out and out THREATEN me with the one thing he KNEW he could use to cause me to freak out with.
 
TATTLING to STBX about something… 
 
And I did call him… yes, I did. I let him know that I knew that the comment on the blog were from him, I let him know that I found his current behaviour horribly inappropriate. I told him that I never EVER wanted to hear from him EVER again in any format, and that I did not consider there ANY possibility for us to EVER be friends now. 
 
And I listened, in as much as I could in the 5 mins I gave him, to his babbling about how I never really gave him a chance and how I was rude and dismissive (oh, after telling him for a YEAR I didn’t want to discuss the “us” thing anymore) and I wasn’t a good friend. And he told me about how I really DID sell out… and how it was so VERY VERY painful for him to see me “give up on something I loved” (ummm… DUDE!! Wise up!!! You knew me for 2 years, or a little LESS than 2 years!! You did NOT know what I “loved”, you did not know me BEFORE STBX, you did not know what I was like “before” and therefore you are NOT an AUTHORITY on what I might have “loved” or “given up on”… and you certainly were not someone I would believe would know me BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF!!!!!!) while I was attempting to settle into my new life.
 
And therefore he felt he would be “right” in emailing or phoning my soon-to-be-Ex-husband to tattle about everything he knew about what had caused the end of my marriage. He thought that it would benefit me AND MY KIDS for him to tell my ex how I had “slept around” and met strange men through Cupid.com and went on dates (um… he did the SAME THING himself and so did STBX and I had left my marriage over a YEAR before that) and how I was not a good mother because I lacked empathy and I couldn’t listen and I was too hard on the kids (because I have a set schedule, whereas he doesn’t do that with his kid)…
 
And then I hung up and talked to Serin for an hour to calm down. 
 
And I knew he would never give up, that he knew he could still call or text me, that he could still reach out and poke me into a reaction as long as he had a way to get a hold of me where I couldn’t have him arrested for trespassing (and he better believe that if he EVER comes to the house I will immediately call the police about it, because his behaviour up to now has had the effect of actually making me feel uncomfortable, threatened and afraid) he would do so. And I could try to block HIS number from calling and texting, but he would just go to the web site to send messages or call from another phone number or a payphone. 
 
So I decided that the next day I would go down to the phone company and have my phone number changed. 
 
And I did.
 
And this is what I have learned from this experience:
  • sometimes you have to walk away from people
  • you can’t always know what a person is like when you first meet them
  • don’t respond to things that are obviously MEANT to get a reaction, I wouldn’t respond to my children acting in attention seeking negative behaviours, I shouldn’t react to adults doing it
  • if a comment causes a reaction, it is best to try and sit back/evaluate why it causes that reaction. If there is a strong reaction and you can’t think clearly about it, get outside eyes to look at the situation with you
  • I have every RIGHT to feel threatened by the kinds of things I have had emailed, said, and texted to me in the last few months 
  • I have every right to call the police, should Stalker think that he has the absolute RIGHT to drop by to have his say “once and for all”
  • once this kind of pattern starts up it won’t stop, so it is best to step away from the situation.
  • Stalker needs a dictionary, because he doesn’t know the definition of “slander” –  
    •  
      •  
        • slander
          noun
          1. words falsely spoken that damage the reputation of another 
          2. an abusive attack on a person’s character or good name [syn: aspersion] 
          verb
          1. charge falsely or with malicious intent; attack the good name and reputation of someone;
          • so… can I slander someone, since I “alluded” to the fact that someone had been doing things that I considered “Stalker-like” behaviour? The answer is NO… the comments were made in GOOD FAITH, the fact that his behaviour is so far out of “acceptable” is not my fault, and it is not a FALSE allegation either…. NOT FALSE=NOT SLANDER!!!
  • I have the right to protect myself, my interests and my children from this person
  • I have the right to decide not to communicate with someone who cannot act like an adult
    • the behaviour has been, quite frankly, adolescent at BEST, and I do not need to deal with it.
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

End is in sight!

January15
And it is DONE…
 
In so many ways things are done around here, and I am glad. 
 
There is so much RELIEF to having things settled and worked out. There is a certain SATISFACTION to having an idea of what will happen in the future, even though it isn’t SET in stone (as the future never is) and there is still some uncertainty and grinding concerns… but there is a plan of action…
 
A settlement.
 
I spent the ENTIRE day in a large-ish board room, trapped with STBX, my lawyer and HIS lawyer, discussing the 4 parts of our settlement. I thought we’d go in, he’d balk right away, and we’d be out of there (and I’d be back at work) by 1pm.
 
Nope.
 
Our lawyers forced us to sit and talk it all out. Which is likely good (the NEXT step, dear Gods, was that if we didn’t agree on one or more area was to proceed to the court process… pretrial hearing with a judge  then a trial, at hugely expensive costs and frustratingly long waiting times between anything AND more and more and more legal fees!!!) but frustrating in that I really didn’t want to hang out in a lawyer’s office ALL DAY.
 
But… agreements were reached in all four areas we needed to agree on. Yay!
 
Agreements!
 
1. Parenting Agreement: This was a serious no-brainer for both of us. We agreed that the time with the children would be divided 50% by both parents, and that at this time the arrangement was a 2 week rotation (but that it wasn’t necessarily forced into STAYING this way, because things might work out better a different way). All holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, February Break, Easter Break and Summer School Break) will be divided equally. Both parents agree to review and sign necessary documentation for passports for the children, and to not unnecessarily deny ability to travel for the children. Joint custody (in that all major decisions — religion, schooling, medical care, environment, social activities) will be maintained. 
 
2. Property Agreement :
  • House will be sold (its been on the market for 8 months) and all the debts will be paid out, if possible. Any debts not paid out will be divided equally between parties, and left over proceeds will be divided equally. If the house does not sell by July 15 there will be provisions, as if it isn’t sold by Aug 30 we will be forced to walk away and proceed with foreclosure procedures and all the horrible debt, bankruptcy, and other personal nightmares will begin (so everyone think house selling thoughts)…
  • When the house sells the remaining furniture that is owed to me will be transferred over to me… that would be the leather sofa and love seat, games/coffee table, end  table, lamp, 2nd child’s bed (with mattress), and dresser for BoyChild’s set.
  • 1/2 of the units of STBX’s RRSP will be transferred to my name via a tax-free roll over.
  • 1/2 the units of STBX’s Pension Fund will be transferred to my name via tax-free roll over 
  • I get access to the photo albums to scan
  • We agree that STBX will get the washer/dryer from the home at the point of sale (since he bought the new washer and the dryer is only worth $200)
  • He keeps his company shares in his name
 
3. Child support: Will be re-assessed for our 2009 incomes (he recieved a YEAR severance AND a bonus, so he will have made MORE for 2009 than in 2008, I have an expected income for 2009 which is a bit higher than my expected for 2008) and I will be informed by his counsel what amounts we are both responsible for (we have an offset — basically we take my amount out of his amount and he pays me the remainder, half on the 1st, the other half on the 15th) and also how much he will pay me for the daycare for the kids. We also agreed that the amount of overage on our liquid assets (I had $900 more on my balance than he did) and a cash payment to me dissolved the retroactive child support outstanding. We will reassess the amounts June of every year starting 2010 OR if a significant change occurs.
 
4. Spousal support: STBX will continue to pay on my car and student loans as spousal support until the house sells… if the house doesn’t sell we’ll be in such a financial mess that I don’t know what will happen. That will be 2 years at $780/mth for spousal… which is enough.
 
So it is pretty much done. They will write up the orders AND the paperwork for the dissolution of marriage (divorce) paperwork…
 
It seems WRONG to be so happy about it but…
 
I might be divorced in 2 months!! Hooray! I will get a certificate and EVERYTHING.
 
Which means:
  • I will be able to apply to restore my maiden name
  • I will no longer be tied to STBX (and he will then be just “theX”)
  • I don’t have enforcable parenting and child support orders on the books
  • he cannot hold me responsible for any MORE of his spending
  • I will be able to go on with my life, not tied to him by his God and his father
  • no more guilt for dating while I am technically still married
  • once the house sells I will not be financially responsible for him
  • someday I might be able to afford a small house for the kids and i (and the kittens)
 
It also means that Stalker would have nothing to try and BLACKMAIL me with…
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Disentangling from Guilt

January14
Here we go again.
 
This weekend was wonderful. I like that now I can write and write and write over the course of the week and not worry too much about taking a pause on the weekends. I can’t believe that I didn’t realize I could schedule my posts… this is a “well, duh” moment, here.
 
Of course, up until this week I didn’t realize that I could do that… I mean conceptually I did know… I just never realized that I could do it on MY blog as well. And, a few months ago I didn’t NEED to know this stuff because, well… I didn’t WRITE a few months ago.
 
And now I have my “words” back… something that had been missing from my life for 8 years. Even if Serin teases me because I write so prolificly, even if no one reads my blog (although someone is, they just aren’t noting me at all), I am still writing, and I still have a good sense of who I am when I am writing, and it doesn’t matter to me at all if no one else cares (anymore)…
 
Because I am writing again.
 
I place the “blame” squarely on the Rapport Leadership Breakthrough training I recieved… although Serin doesn’t feel that I can say it is more than a catalyst for me to change myself. And that’s true… but without having gone through it would I have done the things necessary to make the changes in my life? Not likely. I needed a serious kick in the ass to see that I WAS a wonderful and worthy person, and that I didn’t NEED to be stuck in the patterns that I was stuck in, and that I COULD break out.
 
Looking back to before the training session, I can’t BELIEVE the person I was and how I had gotten trapped in that pattern of low self-worth behavior. And, because I love lists, here is a list of things that have changed (how I was, how I have changed) since the LB1 session I took:
 
  • I had been feeling bad about the “relationship” with Stalker for almost a year, but had not been able to cut the ties with him due to his incessant need to have a “good” reason why I felt that way. Upon coming back from the session I did what I had to do, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I did not love him, that I did not see ANY future with him, and that I intended to start looking into moving on with my life.
  • I had been unable to let go of the past issues I had had surrounding Entropy. It took me a long time to get to it, but I finally made the effort to reach out and apologize to Entropy for walking away from him the way I did in the past.
  • I felt trapped in the life that I had created, and most of the trap that I had created was of my own GUILT. I felt guilty for walking away from Entropy, I felt guilty for getting free of STBX, I felt guilty for starting up with Stalker, I felt guilty for “destroying” the lives of my children, I felt guilty for doing things to make myself healthy. Now I am learning to get that balance that I need. I am learning that it is OKAY that I lost my friendship with Entropy because we needed to cut ties with each other in order for both of us to move on with our lives. It was okay to walk away from my marriage, because it was slowly killing my spirit and it was doing nothing for me at all for years. It is okay that I dallied with Stalker, and it is completely FINE that I didn’t want what he did and that I have had to cut HIM off too. And things will be okay with the kids, because we will work together to make it work out in the situation we are in.

  •  I was afraid to talk to people, afraid to call people, afraid to go out and DO things. Pretty much the FIRST thing I did after I took the LB1 course was phone Serin and actually TALK to him (my habit had been hanging up before he called, worried that I had overstepped my boundaries with him). I joined a gym (and have gone, off and on, but I have gone). I have looked into courses I can take. I joined a few online dating sites — I went on DATES! I met great guys and I met Really Great Guy (RGG)… and I have really openned myself and my life up a LOT.

 
The two biggest changes for me have been the breaking free of Stalker (and the guilt associated with that) and beign able to open myself up to new people. I hadn’t realized how bad the relationship with Stalker had gotten — by the time I went to the training I had been pretty much worn down (by him) that he was the best I was going to have in my life and that no matter how horrible being in the “relationship” with him had been feeling I had led him to believe there was a future and now I had to own up to that. I can look back now and see that I had started to question my feelings for him November 2007, and I had pulled away and pulled away and tried to end things with him several times SINCE then. I can see, looking back, the way that guilt was used against me to control me. I can see, now, how he would badger me to communicate with him because he wanted so much for me to see that we were “perfect” together. And I can see quite clearly how trapped I felt with him, as if I was in just another sick marriage where I had to just go along with what he wanted because any questioning of the “plan” would be openning myself up to literally HOURS of verbal assault about how horrible I was and how he was so great to me.
 
And I am free now. I had to be rude, I had to be a bitch. I had to walk away and make sure that he could no longer communicate with me. And I did these things because I had to, for my own sanity, in order to feel good about myself, in order to move on with my life, in order to clear myself out of the feelings of clinging guilt.
 
And once I got free of his entanglements I was free to seek out new friends and new situations and open myself up to new things. I went out on dates (despite his tears that I didn’t wait LONG ENOUGH after I “dumped him” (dude, I told you I didn’t want to be “exclusive” with you 6-8 months BEFORE I finally told you I didn’t want ANY romantic relationship with you now or EVER… it wasn’t that soon), I had fun, I learned my own lessons, I learned my own strength.
 
I refuse to be tangled by guilt anymore…
 
The biggest thing for me this year has been releasing myself from the guilt that I have felt. I have felt guilt for EVERYTHING, because I have felt that I was responsible for the errors I made and that they were grievous errors. But I have also learned that mistakes are often the biggest catalysts for change that we can have.
 
Sure, I can sit here and feel bad that I walked away from my marriage. But I won’t. Because I can see that I needed to do that, for my own good. I can see that I had not been happy for years and years with STBX, that his choice to live away from his family and not be emotionally supportive of me pushed me away, that he pushed me away. And although I can feel badly for reaching out to other people as a replacement of the emotional connection that I should have had with my husband, the fact that no matter how hard I had tried to foster that emotional connection with STBX he rejected me made it impossible. It was like living with a brick wall, nothing ever got in or out… and after years of that I just needed to find a connection with other human beings. It might have been wrong for my marriage, but it was not wrong for ME. And he can accuse me of affairs all he wants (and so can anyone else) but I know that truth.
 
I can sit here and feel horrible about leaning on Stalker when I needed a friend. But I won’t. Not anymore. I couldn’t be sure what I felt after coming out of my relationship with STBX, and I warned Stalker that I didn’t know what I really felt. I think it was very unfair of him to push for a serious relationship with me when I had been so unsure right from day one. Yes, I should not have gotten involved with him at all — I can see clearly now how sick and needy Stalker is, I can see how he emotionally drained me — but I can also see that even though I did get involved after my marriage I learned a great deal of who I was and where I was going. I could have lived without hurting Stalker, but in the end I can’t be responsible for his feelings for me and I can’t force myself to feel what I don’t feel. It didn’t work with STBX it won’t work with Stalker.
 
I can sit here and feel sorry for myself about living alone without the luxuries that I had when I lived with STBX, but that won’t change the fact that I would rather have my SELF than THINGS.
 
I can sit here and worry that by choosing to become a healthier person I might have caused issues for my children. And I might have caused their lives to be harder, that is true. But I think that in the end it is infinately better for them to have a mother that is more present and healthy, who is happy with herself, and who can show them what it is like to be happy and emotionally healthy. All I can do is work to the best of my ability to be the best mother I can, and when I fall short of my mark, I just try to improve… continuous improvement is what it is about.
 
I can sit around all day feeling sorry for myself for not living up to what other people want me to be, but in the end I will NEVER live up to what every single person wants from me. All I can do is live up to who I am, and find the “Right People” for me and my life. And I can adapt to things as they come up, without guilt for needing to change, because that is what life is about, growth and change and moving towards being a better person. I can feel sorry or guilty for changing my mind or my life patterns, or I can be happy that I am becoming more aware of who I am and what I want.
 
So…
 
Pam’s Life Lessons…
  • There is truely no point in being mired in guilt for the errors of the past.
  • You can’t please all the people all of the time, so please yourself and the people who applaud you will be the ones that truely care about you
  • “Just keep swimming”… because forward movement is always good
  • When you fail it is time to review what you learned, not sit and cry… looking back on my “failures” I can see where I have missed a great deal of very good life lessons and very good opportunities by spending too much time feeling horrible about not succeeding.
  • Mistakes are often better learning experiences than successes
  • My life is mine to control, not another person. If I choose to love again, if I choose to marry/partner again I will also choose to become a full partner and not just “the wife”… I will remember the failures of the past and focus on how to make things work.
  • Continuous improvement is a great model for everyday life
  • Reflection is best served without the drama… but it is good to try to dispassionately review what went right and what went wrong and what could be done differently
posted under My Life, Spirit | 3 Comments »

What I’m working on…

November17
So… what the heck am I up to, lately, other than trying to date the unavailable and to control the urge to throttle my soon to be ex husband (oh YES, I will get the divorce completed!! One way or another I will get this thing done)? In NO particular order:
 
  • Attempting to get my house clean… which is an ongoing issue for me because the house, no matter how much I beat the dust bunnies out of the corners and scare them out from under the beds, seem to be breeding at an exceedingly furocious pace — even for dust bunnies. There is a tsunami of laundry waiting me at home, and the odd thing is that I must be doing 2 loads a night and there is STILL so much of it to do!!
  • Tidying up my room. This is harder than it sounds, because at this point in time I still do not have any form of clothing storage type things. I mean, I have a closet, and MOST of my things are hanging up… but I don’t have dressers or cupboards or any place to put folded items. And so I am finding that instead I have about 20 different PILES of things on my floors and in suitcases, and in laundry baskets. I hate this form of “organization”
  • Creating a way to stick to a budget. AGAIN, harder than it sounds. I have the budget… but I can’t consistently get Quicken for Mac to WORK for me… it seems to grow an error out of the code (complete with flowering gibberish and the necessity to reinstall randomly, but when I reinstall Quicken it mucks up iPhoto, when I fix iPhoto it gibberizes Quicken)… I am back to the idea of using a pen and paper system… like a good little wifely type. Only… I’m my OWN wife (which is some sort of messed up thing, y’all).
    • The biggest challenge for me is not just spending to spend. I know, it seems self explaintory, but I have been trying to make up for “lost time” in getting things to take better care of myself — getting my hair done, implements to do my hair, make up… I SHOULD buy clothes for myself. The balance point comes in “do I need this right NOW or can it wait” and sometimes the books and magazines and pens and other things that I buy are not necessary and I don’t use them, and so I need to start to become more self aware before I go shopping.
    • the single biggest expense I have after rent has to be groceries. I need to start to shop smarter — and that means stocking up on things when I can and making meals at home rather than going out for lunches. I need to create meal plans, so I know the night before what I need to cook and prep for supper the next day.
    • I need to stop going out for meals and coffees (outside of the dating thing) on the weeks that I don’t have the kids and start making suppers IN so I have things to take for lunches as well.
    • I need to put myself on a cash only weekly expense for “fun” things — ie, use my bank card for groceries and gas for the car, but have a budget for the week for other things (ie, scrapbooking club, reading material, hobby stuff, fancy coffee, or what have you) and do that by cash — when the cash runs out there isn’t any more spending for non-essentials. And if anything is left over I put it into the kids’ fund instead of rolling it over to the next week.
    • freezer meals — chili, casseroles, stews, lasagne — for quicky meals. Preprep hamburger, make pizza dough, and have a lot of quick meal things on hand for meals in less than 30 mins.
  • Tarot readings. I have been looking for the “missing patterns” in my life. I find that the tarot is a great tool for me for this, because it allows me to see patterns of how things come up and are processed through the my life. I sometimes miss the big picture for the small details. As a spiritual practice, I have been trying to do at least 2 readings a week to ensure that I am able to review my week as well as look forward to the week ahead.
  • knitting… I have 2 projects in play right now. I am working on finishing a pair of socks for my mother for her birthday (she gets handknit socks for her birthday, but I’m getting her and my father a new computer for Yule/Christmas… so it evens out). I am procrastinating because I am either busy or trying to avoid watching fuzzy tv when I am not at work or with the kids. I know I should get to the sock, and I will. The other is to see how long a scarf will be if you make it from 5 balls of wool in a stocking stitch over 50 stitches. So far I have used 1/2 a ball of wool and it is 10 inches??? 
  • I have given up on NaNoWriMo… yes, again. I have to say that I can’t really do things like that. Yes, I accept the “embrace the suck” philosophy, but I am also not able to be freaky obsessive about anything and I hate hate HATE everyone asking me about it and telling me that I need to do this or that… and I hate the idea of “having” to do something for one month… I choose to do it in another month… one that is less stressful… the biggest problem is that I don’t like the pressure of being asked to do things like that on demand. I will try to work back up to being able to do it… but for now I think having a goal and quietly achieving it will be key to getting ready to do this.
 
So what is up for me for this week?
 
Tonight (monday):
  • Exchange the kids with STBX
    • Remember to give the kids money for their book fair or ask for recommendations for when I go to interviews
  • hit the gym
  • coffee meeting
  • hopefully 30 mins or so knitting
 
Tuesday:
  • coffee with a friend, part of a “check in” system
  • tarot reading
  • knitting
 
Wednesday:
  • gym
  • coffee date — a reschedule from a guy who stood me up previously (laugh)
  • tarot reading
 
Thursday:
  • trying to hit a class at the gym
  • knitting on the sock for my mother
  • get pictures printed out for scrapbooking
  • try to do a bit of the podcast
 
Friday:
  • Parent teacher interviews in the morning :)
  • Either a “date for coffee”
  • or Scrapbooking with G and her mother
  • possibly (hopefully) coffee with G afterwards since she is over booked for the weekend due to NaNoWriMo (and her obsession with this project) and other friends 
 
Saturday:
  • Right now its pretty open, but I am kinda hoping to meet up with one of the guys that I have previously gone out with (a few times) because I have been enjoying spending time with him and we have a lot in common.
  • record some podcast during the day
  • bake cookies for christmas and get at least a bit more freezer meals done (lasagne and pizza dough) during the day
  • go to gym during morning/day time
 
Sunday:
  • create a meal plan for the week
  • prep things that need to be cooked/prepped for suppers ahead of time
  • get necessary groceries for the week
  • finish podcast
  • tarot reading
  • bake cookies?
 
So that is my week so far… :)
 
 
 
posted under My Life | No Comments »

This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


Follow me!!


By TwitterIcon.com
Subscribe in a reader

Subscribe via email update

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

The Freak Manifesto

Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto

Things I am up to right now!

52 WEEKS TO AWESOME!!!

The Next Chapter: The HAPPY BOOK
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group

Goddess Leonie’s Wonderful Goddess School!!


Click here to view more details


2010 Goddess Workbook!
Goddess Leonie's Guide to 2010 Goodness!!

Categories

Calendar Widget

March 2010
M T W T F S S
« Feb    
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031