I’m not doing well lately.

It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).

Getting here has been a hard road and, despite the fact that sometimes I am a total mess, I am immensely PROUD of myself for making it happen.

1. I have a job where I am (relatively) respected and which I earn a decent salary
2. I have control over my fiances — money coming in and money going OUT are no longer a mystery to me. I can set a goal and be sure to have the ability to get to it, at least financially, without having someone dip into the accounts. Any mistakes are MINE alone.
3. I have spaces that I can meet my own needs as well as the needs of my family.
   • I have an altar space (thanks to Goddess Leonie and Lisa Baldwin for the Divine Declutter eCourse) and also Kyeli of the Freak Revolution for helping me see that its SAFE to do this)
   • I have FURNITURE that works for me.
   • I have a space to meditate
   • my kids have spaces of their own (including building space, creating space, storing space, playing space, and learning space)
4. I speak up for myself (sometimes) when I feel I am not being treated fairly, rather than just being a “good girl” and keeping the peace. I have a LONG way to go with this, obviously, but it IS starting albeit tentatively
5. My body is now my own (mostly)… I have pierced my nose, I have started to choose what my STYLE might be, and I’m starting to allow myself to feel “part-of” my body. Yes, I am still nervous about making changes
6. I am becoming self-aware.

I feel, very much, like I just “woke up” from a nightmare

I refused to THINK that it was abuse, because the thought scared me too much.

I missed having FRIENDS

I want to start living in connection.

I am a cusp person.

Astrologically I am considered an Aries/Taurus cusp, being that my birthday is on the day when it switches over from Aries to Taurus. I have been told that I am definitivly an Aries, based on the time and date of my birth… but I still tend to have quite a few Taurean traits as well.

Personality wise, I cusp between introvert and extrovert. No matter how many times I take the MBTI test I cannot get a consistent reading of introversion/extroversion. And for that matter, I can’t make up my OWN mind, which causes me a lot of weird feelings when I’m with groups of people.

You see… I LIKE being involved. I thrive on it. I like being part of something with a group of people.

But I’m also shy.

So I LIKE being involved, and will volunteer and likely take up almost any opportunity to go out and join a group… but I put things off when I go to join groups because I am not entirely comfortable making new friends.

I get recharged from being around groups of people. I don’t like to be alone all the time. But I also find it draining to try and get out and meet new people too… and when I am newly in a group I feel very tongue tied and nervous.

And so, despite the fact that I have extroverted tendancies (like group activities, like social gatherings, like to talk to other adults, feel recharged when in groups) I fade into introversion because I feel socially awkward with new people.

I want to be noticed, I want to be talked to… but I don’t know how to go about breaking the ice with new people!

I am almost afraid to talk to people, to be noticed. Its a throw back attitude from my marriage, where I had to always be afraid of what I was saying and to whom, lest even the smallest hint of my spirituality and the “liberal” non-christian views I held, different from those of my (thankfully SOON now) Ex might escape and embarass him in some way. Its the constant vigilance against who I really am, my REAL interests or feelings, that gets me.

Do you KNOW how hard it is to make friends if you still have that gremlin sitting on your shoulder asking you “Are you ALLOWED to say that?” every time to start a conversation with someone?

It’s HARD.

I FEEL like a friendly person. I THINK I get along well with others.

But I always feel like the outsider, that there are things that are best left hidden from view, that are deep and dark and not-at-all chocolately goodness about me.

I have struggled in the recent past to get past the shyness. I have TRIED to join in more activity… albeit only online. And yet I can’t get to the point of making my prescence known…

The thing is… I don’t know HOW to be noticed anymore.

I write in obscurity, despite the fact that a lot of the things that I write about are directly in response to what I read in some of the blogs that I read every day or the podcasts that I listen to or the online groups in which I lurk. And I don’t know how to get feedback from these people who I respect, whom I am TRYING to figure out how to engage in dialog.

I leave comments, I twitter when I have a thoughtful response, I link my blog in comment fields, I put up banners for things I get involved in (when I can figure out how to do it, I’ve been having difficulty with that lately)… where are the lines?

Its not that I want someone to PRAISE me… I would like to enter a dialog with others and open myself up (not to attack) to different points of view and different ways to look at similar situations. I want to know if I am on the right track, if anyone has ever gone through something like this before and have advice. I want to know that there are other people OUT there…

But how does one go about doing this? I know I should comment more, and I’m trying. I know I should WRITE more. I should find a way to get things OUT to people who would read, who would give feedback or spark a new direction in which to think of things. I tweet when I post on the blog. I post on both my blog and my open diary. Can I email people directly? Is that allowed? Can I ask for feedback to people whom I respect? What is allowed and what is going to come across as “teen angst” or as creepy/whiny/stalkerish?

I just don’t know…

What do you do when you need encouragement from an online group in which you “belong”?