Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Big Giant Bundle of ANNOYED

March27
Yes, today I am a giant bundle of annoyed. Most of it I have directed at the legal profession, and more specifically theEx’s lawyer… but to some extent my lawyer is being painted with the same brush too.
 
I just really wish they would say what they MEAN or be CLEAR.
 
But that’s too much to ask of anyone trained in the legal profession, apparently.
 
Or Engineers.
 
Yes… today is “hate the Engineer” day too… follow along here (theEx is/was a Professional Engineer)…
 
There is no way to ruin a day FASTER than to have to talk to a legal representative early in your day and try to figure out what the opposing counsel is trying to get at WHEN SHE HASN’T EXPLAINED it.
 
Basically… I have a smaller debt load than my legal counsel thought I would have… but because the house sold BEFORE they could start the divorce proceedings there is still outstanding issues (sigh) and so I’m forced to estimate my legal bills so I can try for a consolidation loan to pay my debts so I can manage everything.
 
Damn lawyers. She (theEx’s counsel) that they were demanding extra from me to  him… no explaination about EXACTLY what she was going towards. I had to wait for MY legal guy to let me know what she was thinking…
 
Still very annoyed.
 
Today is just annoying to me. I am feeling all anxious and prickly and not at all sure about anything… and to make matters worse because RGG had the day off today he didnt’ text me this morning (which makes me sad because I like that small “touch” across the distance) and he won’t be coming in tonight like he usually does, and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be seeing him this weekend OR next weekend.
 
I think its a statement that *I*miss him a lot and feel really lonely when I don’t see him or talk to him, but that he doesn’t feel the same way. It kinda bothers me that I have to initiate contact all the time, that he rarely phones me because he misses me, and that suddenly he’s backpeddling about previous conversations.
 
Maybe its just a matter of time? I’m trying to be “meh” about it, because if he’s not feeling it I’d rather he not feel like he has to continue with it. We’ve both “settled” in the past, and I don’t want that again, so right now I’m just leveling down any outright expressions of anxiety, cutting back a bit on trying to keep in contact, and focusing more on ME rather than any US that might very well not exist outside my stupid thoughts…
 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to give up yet. I just don’t have the capacity to keep pushing for what is hidden underneath the jokes all the time, I’m willing to just watch how things shake out a bit more than trying to guide things to become ANYTHING.
 
I know I will be fine on my own. I am not worried about it. I can start over, if I have to, and I will eventually get what I need too… I know this. I know that RGG MIGHT or might not be my future… and things will work out as they will. I’m not going to just “settle” for someone who isn’t sure they really want to work on things too… I am not going to be the one doing all the work for nothing anymore… If I wanted that I would have stayed married to theEx. Or even stayed with the Stalker…
  
The thing is that I expect SO LITTLE from him already that I don’t want to change that. I don’t expect him to phone  but I’d like it. I don’t expect him to care about my life or my thoughts but it would make me feel wanted and special if he did show interest. I don’t expect flowery words or gifts. I don’t expect to go out together or do anything alone or date like. I don’t expect him to mark important dates. We don’t really “date” anyway… I’m feeling more the “chick he bangs” than anything else… 
 
Things might change. Things might not. 
 
I’m not gonna push it because I don’t want another man settling for me when I’m not what they want. 
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I’m still alive, this time I’m SURE

March24
So… its been a while. 
 
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
 
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
 
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
 
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never really KNEW where I stood with him, other than he loves me and I love him — there isn’t any rush right now and there isn’t any “next level” to move to with him…
 
So if things survive THIS mess then we’ll be good.
 
If not… well… I repair myself again… pull myself up by my bootstraps once more… and allow myself to start dating again. Hell… someone has my signed up for EHarmony anyway… I might as well put it to good use.
 
No reason to be TERRIBLY pessimistic either way yet…
 
There is a certain amount of clarity here, though…
 
In some ways there is a definition set in my life, clarity of who belongs… who DESERVES to be a part of my life… who I can count on, lean on, or trust… and who I definately do not feel I can count on, lean on or trust…
 
More than that, it has clarified just WHO I don’t want in my life. And WHY.
 
Not that I didn’t already have an idea… but as my dismay and fear and sadness and self-loathing turned from inward directed anger towards… well… facing the reality of the situation and where my anger should truely BE directed…
 
And that’s all I can say about THAT…
 
<hr>
 
Things have been… wild to say the least.
 
Last week, amid the personal issues I was having that had me in a mental tailspin for 7 days, I had things going on with the kids teh entire week…
 
Monday I had to run out with the kids so that BoyChild could buy a present for a birthday party that he was invited to. It was important to him, so we made it a priority.
 
Tuesday each child had something that they needed to do… and so I had to implore theEx to help out. He took GirlChild to her Irish dance recital and I took BoyChild to his school science fair and watched him while he explained his experiment to the adults who came in.
As an aside, I was actually pleasantly surprised to see not only ONE rather “goth” mother (she had  piercings through both cheeks, her nose (which I have too) and her hair dyed black) wearing a pentacle… but there was also a rather “suburban SAHM” type openly wearing a pentacle in the school… as well as a few kids proudly and publicly wearing their own signs of Pagan faith. I wish, at times, that I could wear my symbols of faith as openly as all that. I know, too, that I could never give my children a pentacle without risking the heated WRATH of their grandfather..
Wednesday came and BoyChild had a birthday party to attend to after school. So GirlChild and I rushed around after I got her from daycare and picked him up from the party… 
 
Thursday I had to have enough invitations for GirlChild’s birthday party ready and in her bag so she could invite all her little friends from her kindergarten class. After school we had time to go and get a quick snack to tide the kids over before we were due back at their school for a Parent/Teacher interview with BoyChild’s teacher, Educational Assistant, and resource teachers (thankfully he seems to be doing better, he’s not where most kids his age are yet, but he’s been improving, and that’s better than getting worse)… 
 
And Friday I had to rush around to get the kids to theEx’s new apartment after daycare… and back home (instead of being allowed to go out to RGG’s) to hang out with G for the evening.
 
Saturday I had to get a bunch of things done… I had to get my oil changed and new windshield wipers, I had to check some stuff out for RGG, I had to pick up a few groceries, I had to get some materials for a new project… and after I was done all that I was invited to go out to visit RGG and his girls.
 
Although I was thinking he only wanted me to go out for the afternoon, he decided that I should come out and stay for the remainder of the weekend and leave Monday morning…
 
The weekend was stressful with all the stuff I have been trying to get through, and the newest tailspin that I had been placed in was still weighing VERY heavily on my mind. I had a lot of moments of time this weekend when I seriously thought that it might be a VERY GOOD IDEA for me to just pack up my heart and walk away from RGG. Thankfully he’s got a much cooler head (and a much more logical and less emotionally driven thought process) than I have and decided that we were NOT going to jump to conclusions at all over the whirling mess of my life… because things were not certain OR finalized and it was best to just let things shake out and deal with them first.
 
Right now:
  • I am finalizing a house sale with my ex, which has caused me a bit of concern over the amount of debt I will be experiencing once things are finalized. I feel a bit more up in the air about this than I thought I would
  • I have now been given everything from my marriage that I will EVER get back — and I experienced the final LOSS of my marriage through the simple fact that no matter how hard we tried we could NOT get my couch into my apartment. I know that I have 3 love seats, and that it is PLENTY of seating… but I wanted my couch… and now I have had to give it away… and it still makes me sad.
  • My lawyer is STILL dragging his goddammed feet about the freaking divorce. I know that there are a million small details to complete before the debts are finalized and all… but HOLY F**K man, when I asked him in JANUARY (the 13th to be exact) how long it took to draw up the divorce paperwork along with the separation agreement and he said “maybe 1 or 2 hours??” and its been 2 months and NEITHER side has started it yet??? FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
  • I thought I’d have the divorce paperwork STARTED before I turned 35… but… despite not having that going yet I am STILL turning 35. I have decided since no on ever gives a fuck about my birthday anyway I am not going to have one this year… that’s it
  • I know that anytime I lend money I have to expect not to be repaid. I am more worried about saying anything about it, because I don’t want to make a big deal about it  and its more of a trust issue than a NEED for the money back
  • I haven’t done my taxes, and I have the kids coming back to me on friday, which means I have to wait ANOTHER week, or beg SOMEONE to take them for an hour (which is unlikely to happen) before I can get this done. As well, my fucking ex went outside of the written agreement and is forcing me to declare an extra month’s worth of spousal support on my taxes, so I am worried that instead of getting money BACK I will have to PAY money in for the first time in years… 
    So… yeah… I’m a stress monkey
 
 
 
 
 
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Dance like no one is watching

March19


IMG_8769

Originally uploaded by Moonslark

My life has been… well… turned a bit upside down lately.
Anyone who might read here might have noticed that in the last few days I haven’t written much, which might likely seem a bit unusual for me…
Just know that there are things I don’t blog about, things that hurt too deeply to reveal to the entire universe. Things that keep me feeling frantic and anxious and that nothing in my world can work out right, and that’s kinda the space I am in with things RIGHT now.

I intend to take action on the “things”… as soon as the topsy-turvies in my life settle a bit — that being that this week has been HORRIFIC for me not only for the unmentionable things I am dealing with in the background, but also the kids’ schedules have been way more intense than normal (we have things we have to do EVERY evening this week, which has meant that with my schedule and theirs, meals have had to be “out”, which bit my budget in the ass for sure), theEx is on my case about flipping over the parenting schedule, which has unfortunate side effects on appointments and courses and things I had booked on the ORIGINAL schedule, and intense worry which has led to less eating and sleeping and WAY more crying on my part…

Well… lets just hope that things work themselves through a bit.

The next few weeks are going to be hairy for me. As I said, theEx wants to change the schedule because of the upcoming Easter break… which then throws MONTHS of plans into disarray because the weeks that I had THOUGHT I had the kids (approx first 2 weeks of each month) are now HIS weeks and vice versa…

I thought I could rearrange everything… but there are a few things that, if I dont’ change the schedule back, I will be taking vacation time on weeks I don’t have the kids instead of with them…

I have tried not to be a bitch to theEX… but… seriously I do plan things in advance… because I need to, because I CAN (with him being unemployed and not knowing when or where he’ll get another job, he doesn’t do much future planning, or at least he doesn’t tell me about it UNTIL its right on top of me (ie, his vacation to the Caribbean, the fact that he has a party to go to on GirlChild’s birthday (and its not for GirlChild, its purely for HIM alone), and the fact that he has a party to go to on April 4th that he alluded to in December… ) just to mess with MY schedule…

Yes, everything is pissing me off lately.

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Hi there, long time no see

March3
I am finding myself in a good mood this morning, which is a surprise because I have been feeling a bit uneasy for the past few days and I can’t quite put my finger on WHY.
 
This past month has definately had its ups and downs.
 
Ups:
  • RGG said he loved me out loud. I mean, I KNEW that already since we had been dancing around it for a few weeks before he said it, but it was nice that he actually said it out loud. I have to admit that I was kind of shocked, because we had been joking around and watching a romantic movie at the time and he went all suddenly serious on me and told me that he had to tell me something. I have to admit that I tend to think the worst in situations like that (laugh) but it was good.  In case there was any doubt I told him I loved him too…
  • We have had a lot of time together this month, both with and without the kids.
  • My house sold.
  • I will be getting some of my furniture back.
  • I have been getting to the gym once or twice a week and doing Wii Fit to keep getting in shape. I have not lost or gained any weight, but have gotten up to 110lbs and maintained it. I had previously dropped to about 103 lbs.
  • I got my hair done and I love the way it looks, and even better, I like that I have no more gray showing.
  • I had RGG’s good friend do my hair for me, which gave me a bit of time to get to know her (she’s very important in his life, and therefore I want to make sure she’s okay with me too) and get a little more dirt on him (laugh)… I came away with the knowledge that RGG is “the nicest man on the planet”… this is apparently a sore spot for him, as a few (at least 2) women had used that as a reason not to be with him. But for me, having a truely “nice guy” is a great thing.
    • and he is the “nicest guy on the planet”. Sometimes I can’t believe how truely caring and considerate he is, given that he’s, well… a man. I mean, here is a man that is concerned about what I want to do, how I feel, making me comfortable, and making sure that everyone around him gets their needs met as well as HIS. The only thing I can complain is that he always forgets NOT to give me “love bites” (laughing) and then thinks he’s funny… (I kinda think its funny too, jsyk)
  • I haven’t heard from the Stalker for a while, which I am taking as a sign that he’s finally decided to move on and stop trying to “be friends” by throwing nasty emails at me over and over. I don’t know what I will do with the blank book that he gave me, maybe I should just send it back… but that might be encouragement
  • Have been discussing the possibility of taking a trip with RGG. I can’t say for sure that this will ever happen, but its a nice thing to think about. I am sure that we will eventually take a trip out to Edmonton, but I can’t really see (right now) a way to take a longer trip somewhere outside of Canada. Not with both of us having to juggle jobs and finances and kids’ schedules. But we can try, and we can plan, and maybe we can make it happen.
 
Of course, not EVERYTHING has been 100% great around here. As my mother would say “In every life a little rain must fall”… and so… 
 
DOWNS:

  • Still haven’t had the divorce papers given to my from my lawyer. Yes, the house has sold, yes things are progressing, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, and that means having the divorce finalized. So much is riding on this:

    • I want to know, definitively, how much I owe my lawyer so I can start to PAY that off

    • I need to know how much marital debts I will have after the house sale, so I can get a loan to deal with paying that back

    • I want to change my name back to my maiden name

    • I want to get a passport IN MY MAIDEN NAME

    • I don’t want to be MARRIED to theEX anymore. I mean, I have no plans to get remarried, but the fact that he still has a legal hold on me ticks me off. I know I will be tied to him for a considerable amount of time because of the kids, but I do not have to be legally “his” especially since the lawyers agreed that we’ve met all the requirements to get a divorce

    • I want to throw a PARTY (laugh) to celebrate my freedom from theEx… 

  • I have been having anxiety issues for the last month that I can’t account for. I know that things have been crazy, and the re-appearance of the Stalker (even briefly) in my life has hindered me feeling comfortable in my own home, but the anxiety has really hit me a few times.

    • I have realized that I am getting comfortable with RGG and being in his home, but I am still a bit uncomfortable in his space.

    • I know RGG understands how it feels to have a panic attack, that doesn’t make it any less embarassing when I get sideswiped by anxiety I can’t control.

    • I want to KNOW what is triggering it, so I can face it down and deal with it.

  •  I have had periods of time where I have really doubted RGG and how he feels, especially given that he’s almost completely cut out ALL avenues of communication during weekdays. That means, not only is he not on MSN anymore he isn’t online at all, and he doesn’t phone me. It makes me very ANXIOUS (yes, i know, this is likely one of the many triggers here) because I feel communication is important. He says its a telecommunications issue — that he’s having problems with his internet and phone — and I believe him, but I still feel weird about not having a way to talk to him during the week. I feel anxious that he might be doing it on purpose, that it might be some sort of test, and so every time I reach out and phone him I might be potentially FAILING this test.  I hate “tests” like that…

  •  Missing my kids. I am not used to the 2 week break from my kids, and not having them in my life makes me question my identity — when I don’t have my kids with me I feel like my identity of “mother” has been ripped away from me, and I hate the feeling that by allowing theEx to have joint custody with me I have admitted that I am not a good mother. I would MUCH RATHER have my kids 100% of the time and NOT have time away from them… but he finds that unacceptable.

  • Finances. Taxes, savings, RRSPs, debts, plans for the future… its all becoming a bit overwhelming. I want to consolidate what I owe so that I can start to work towards 3 things:

    1. becoming debt free again

    2. gathering a down payment for a place of my own

    3. planning the trip for my kids and I to DisneyWorld, Orlando, that they have been talking about for years

  • Things I need to deal with that I don’t want to deal with, such as having to buy things for my house to have it set up correctly, GirlChild’s birthday, and having to move all my furniture around, hoping that my furniture that is being returned to me next weekend will FIT, having to worry about buying more clothes for the kids to wear…

 
Mostly things are going well. I am working on my own issues, trying not to focus too much on RGG (and hoping desperately that he is NOT playing some sort of game or putting me to some kind of test right now that I am SURE that I am failing), and just trying to get my house and affairs in order for the upcoming changes in my life. I have made a few attempts to put out a new podcast… and I have plans for the long stretch of this week without RGG in my life which mostly involve cleaning my house (for the inevitable destruction when the kids come back), baking and trying to move things around for the return of the prodigal furniture.
 
This week I will endeavor not to be bugging the man (laugh) by calling all the time. I have a whole house to clean. I have knitting to start. I have tv programs to watch (again, thanks to the man I have started following a few shows that I had dropped because I had lost MOST of the tv channels I loved when my landlord decided to cut the cable on me and I never did get anything but the first 12 channels back, much to the annoyance of my kids (I might have to ask permission to get satellite installed so I can watch things I like again the weeks I am alone)). I have baking to do. I have friends to catch up with. Dammit, I have a podcast to do. And I have to figure out how to move things around in the house to make things more efficient — the computer to my room, move tables around, move things into my room, get rid of things that are in my room, pull the entertainment system over a bit, figure out where to get mattresses and bed linens for the kids’ beds — and I want to finally hit the yoga class now that G has joined the gym I go to.
 
Maybe I can pass RGG’s “test” after all… 
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How its going

February22
Okay… so I didn’t manage to write all that much last week, which was likely good because by the friday before I went on “vacation” I started to have shooting pains in my right wrist whenever I typed. 
And you know, when typing and writing are so vitally important to you, that kinda sucks. So for the most part I did not do any writing this week. 
Instead I spent MOST of the week with RGG and all the kids.
And you know? I’m STILL not sure with him.
I mean, I love him, and I am attracted to him and I feel really good about things with him. For the most part I haven’t tried to do a lot of communicating with him lately, just letting things go as they go, and I think that the biggest issue is that I am overthinking things with “us”…
So my goal for the next while (at least the next month as I go through the upheaval of my house selling and finalizing the divorce and attempting to figure out my taxes and stuff) I am determined to just let things happen as they happen and not push anything. Which means:
  • I am not going to be phoning him during the weeks. Now, I know that that means that I will likely not have any contact at all with him (he is saying his internet is down and his phone line is down) unless he calls me…
  • I will reply to texts, but I will not initiate them.
I went into this dating thing with no expectations, no real belief that I would meet someone special, and now I am a bit shocked at having met someone. The thing is, I know very well that we’re just in the infatuation stage now, and that things will not continue to be “good” all the time or for very much longer. I already have some signs that he might not be as interested in me as I am in him, and I do NOT want my heart broken this easily. But I am also not ready, or able, to get more serious with him than we have become. 
This is likely for the best.
So, I’m going to back off a bit and focus on the things that I need to get done in my life, and if he’s willing to continue to be there for me and with me when things are all worked out, I am sure we will have a future.
In other news:
  1. The Stalker decided to start up again. Someone gave him my phone number (and that means there is someone out there who I can’t really trust, because I only gave my number out to CLOSE friends and my landlord and family members!!). Last Sunday, while I was waiting for RGG and his daughter, C, to come over after supper, Stalker came by  my apartment with a box of stuff (none of which I needed OR wanted from him) which he dropped off on my back doorstep. THEN he texted me. And he phoned a few times. I haven’t replied to the text. I am not answering the phone when he calls. I don’t want any communication with him. I don’t want a friendship with him. I just want him to leave me alone.
  2. The Ex says he saw the Stalker drive through my back alley when he came to pick up the kids. I hope that the Stalker doesn’t think that he should confront me about my choices in my love life. I have made a police report to the effect that I have asked this person not to contact me and he has still been by my home.
  3. I was worried all week that the Stalker was watching me. For the most part it has made me feel nervous. Now I am feeling more PISSED OFF and if he tries I will be giving him a piece of my mind.
  4. The house sale has gone through. All we are waiting on is TheEx to move out. Then we assess the damages and what gets paid out and how much is left to deal with. I have decided on a plan of action with this stuff… and a back up plan too…
  5. I will be getting the remainder of the furniture from theEx. I am going to see if he will give me back my Starbucks cup collection as well. Can’t hurt to ask. It will feel GOOD to have more than 1 love seat to sit on in my house. AND it will be good to have the kids sleeping on real beds rather than air matresses as well. I have a few  more things I need to purchase, but it doesn’t seem so completely overwhelming anymore
  6. I am actually looking FORWARD to the future, rather than dreading it. I have a feeling that RGG will be in my life for at least the forseeable future, I have plans with the kids and with friends, I have goals to work towards… I know that things will be good.
Other than that… things are just plodding along. I am going to try to fill my days these next 2 weeks so I don’t feel so lonely without RGG, try to back off a bit and not be so needy (laugh), and get my life back in order. I have got to get back to the gym a bit more than I have been… :)
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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