Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading

And here we are again, for a weekly check in full of updatey goodness (an idea I have totally yoinked from The Fluent Self Blog… go, check it out, its GREAT and not at all fluffy-bunny-white-light-goofy-guru stuff!!):

Things that made me go EEK, GRR, WAH or just have a complete meltdown:

Nasty missives from the Stalker

Oh, I know that I have already talked about it, and I know that by even acknowledging his whining or threats I am encouraging him, but (DAMMIT) this is my space and I hate the idea that I have to be scared to write about my life because someone else doesn’t like the type of attention they are or are not getting from me. And as he has stated in email (now that I am documenting things, rather than deleting all the emails, in case I need it)… I can write what I want here… and I AM going to.

I will NOT let someone use scare tactics against me like he has been — I see through what he’s been doing now, and I am not allowing him to decide what I feel anymore:

• I am not slandering him, I have backup proof, in the form of emails and text messages and comments on FaceBook and in my Blog Logs, of the things he has been sending to me (and the requests for him to stop)… so there is no question in my mind (or that of my lawyer) that what I am saying is 100% NOT SLANDER (again, definition of slander can be found here for those confused) as it is not a false accusation (whether or not it causes people to see him differently).
• I now have a legal agreement in place with STBX, and my divorce papers are finally in the works, so whatever it is that the Stalker thinks that he’s likely to gain from threatening me is NO LONGER POSSIBLE
• for that matter, I have told STBX that I have been having issues with this person, so that he wouldn’t likely respond to him at all ANYWAY

Changing my phone number

See above for why, but this has been a mess of trying to figure out who NEEDS my number and who DOES NOT in order to minimize the chances that Stalker will have a way to contact me. As I only have a cell unless he gets my number from someone else it is unlikely that he can just hunt it down on his own.

But there are so many gaps in who has it right now… I still have to contact my bank and my son’s school to update them.

4-Way Meeting with STBX

While this turned out to be a good thing, as it managed to tie up all the loose ends successfully it was HUGELY stressful and I know I had to bend over backwards and accept less than I could have, should I have pushed for a court trial, and less security in this bad economic environment. The good thing is that for the most part things are over and I will be divorced, the bad thing is that the house still needs to sell or my financial future will be destroyed for a minimum of SEVEN years.

Car issues, House Issues

My car hit 100,000KM, which means that its power train warrenty is no longer valid. And, of course, I have been putting off dealing with a strange noise because I didn’t have the extra money that going to the dealership costs (especially around Christmas) … which I should have dealt with BEFORE it hit 100K. So now I am looking at having to take my car in and up to $1000 worth of work on the power train… according to a mechanic that just looked at it. Which is a HUGE chunk of money for me.

As well, my kitchen sink has been having issues all week, and I don’t really want to deal with it. At first I thought maybe something went down the drain and clogged it up… so we dashed off and got some liquid plumbr… but I have since discovered that water (and laundry detergent) is backing up into my kitchen sinks when someone is doing LAUNDRY… which makes me think that this is more serious than just cleaning out the u-trap thingy. Which means emailing my landlord and trying to find a time to get a plumber man IN there and dealing with my landlord being annoyed that things are going wrong in the house while he’s in Costa Rica (and hearing him complain about being there and not earning any money yet and how all this stuff costs them so much… well… it would cost the same if you were in Canada too, its a reality dear!)

But, seriously, I just don’t want to have a bunch of new expenses hanging over me and the anxiety that comes from the economic uncertainty right now.

Economic Uncertainty

Well… just not knowing what is going to happen with the house sale is really REALLY grinding on me. I would like to say that the house will definately sell (I THINK it will) but house sales have slowed considerably. At this point I just hope for MOST of the debt to be paid down… and not having to declare bankruptcy. I have given up my dream of owning my own home for the next few years… and I have given up the idea that I will be able to take the kids to Disney World this year…

Other sucky things

Well… I was kinda hoping to get in on the Kitchen Table with Havi thing that is going on over at the Fluent Self but it looks like it was not meant to be. I guess I’m just not cool enough for the internet (lol)… and that’s okay but disappointing all the same, because I could seriously use assistance at this time in my life.

I tried to register for this, I mean, I really TRIED… but I got as far as putting my name and email address in and then I got an error and a message stating I would get more information sent to my email address. So I waited, thinking that maybe they would tell me how MUCH this costs, so I could see what I needed to give up that I don’t NEED in order to afford this…

But I never got any further information.

So I left a comment on the blog about how it wasn’t working.
And I got an email back saying that they couldn’t find my payment, which I replied to stating that I hadn’t gotten that far in the process and that it wasn’t allowing me to go further ahead with my name and email address in order for me to find out if I could afford it or not… I guess I was worried about wasting their time if I couldn’t afford it, and inquired about the cost.

I didn’t hear back.

It’s just not meant to be.

Good things, or things that have made me laugh, skip, sing, dance and otherwise act like a babbling fool…

Having the kids home

After being with STBX for their 2 weeks my kids are back home again, and we’ve been hanging out and doing mom and kid things all week.

And I get them home for the weekend AND the entirity of NEXT WEEK too!!!

Having an agreement with STBX

Despite the stress that led up to the meeting and the fact that I had to walk away with a LOT less than I would have had to even a YEAR ago at this time, it feels GOOD to just have an idea of what will happen. And it will be GOOD to be DONE…

Things are tied up for now, and the divorce will be done at the same time in order to minimize the cost of it.
And I can go on with my life…

I can reclaim my maiden name again, and I can remarry if I want (laugh) someday… because, who KNOWS. All I know is that I am not tied to his mistakes any more and he’s not tied to mine…

And I am torn between getting a tattoo and getting an iPod (laugh)

RGG

Things with RGG are good… hell, they’re MORE than good right now. We’ve slowed down on the text messages (laugh) and the modes of communication are openning up more, and we’re doing really well with a lot of things.
Our kids seem to get along (as well as any 4 kids CAN get along) and we seem to have similar parenting styles
the sex is GOOD… really REALLY good. We have matched sex drives. We have GREAT sexual chemistry. And he has done things for me that no one else has been able to do for me…we communicate well (so far)

We got the kids all together last weekend in order to see how they would react to each other, and they did well. We even had a meal (spaghetti) and a movie (the Simpsons’ movie) before RGG and his girls had to leave. The fact that they didn’t want to leave and my kids didn’t want them to go, I think, is proof that they are good with each other. They also know that we are dating, not just friends, and they all seem to be accepting of that.

We’re going to try a repeat performance THIS weekend, and perhaps a sleep over as well… RGG is going to make pizza and we have more popcorn and movies… the only thing we don’t have right now is extra air mattresses for the kids to sleep on… or a pump to inflate (or keep them inflated) them… And we’re gonna try sledding with the weather warming up.

And that means I get to make WAFFLES for everyone…

Which makes me happy because I LIKE waffles and i have a new waffle iron!!

Harrassment freedom

I have set things up to minimize the impact that Stalker can directly have on my life. Do I expect that he will quietly give up and live his life out with his new girlfriend (since he is over me now?)… not a chance. But I can minimize what he can do and how he can reach out to me, and I will continue to shut him down and ignore his cries for attention

Why?
Because, quite simply, he’s behaved BADLY with the nasty comment he attempted to aim at my blog, the fact he tried to pretend that comment came from someone ELSE, the little fib about getting text messages about me, the threats to forward things to STBX, and the fact that even after I told him I didn’t want to hear from him again (MONDAY on the PHONE) he has emailed and texted me since. And these BAD behaviours are not acceptable… Yes, I have been rude to him, but I have been HONEST with him that I don’t want his friendship and I have NOT played these adolescent GAMES…

And I’m serious now.

And I am HAPPY. And I intend to STAY happy. And that means staying FREE of his sticky, icky, NEGATIVE influence…

And I am SO looking forward to this weekend and the REST OF MY LIFE…