I wanted to update on Friday, I really did… but it just wasn’t to be.

So here I will start again…

Things that just SUCKED ASS last week:

My Ex Husband

As per usual I got a lot of stress from my (now OFFICIALLY) Ex-Husband in the form of emails. While he doesn’t necessarily have the cahones to confront me in person, I often get email missives in which he basically threatens to financially destroy my life (or that his financial downfall, because of ME, will cause me financial destruction) if I don’t do what he wants me to do.

Currently he is freaking out about the child support that he owes for 2009 and what exactly constitutes “income”. The email read in such a way that if I don’t agree to his personal valuation of the situation he and his lawyer will argue that the originally AGREED TO amount of income, the amount in the officially signed and SEALED COURT ORDER, will be disputed by him and he will make me pay back whatever amount it was that he paid me in 2009.

Now, I am not sure I want to battle this out in court… I mean, if I battle it out what, really, will I win other than his “financial ruin” and a huge temper tantrum and MAYBE a max of $5000 in back support that I will have to have him garnished to actually ever see – An ulcer? Migraines?

I have to tell you that I am TIRED… DEAD TIRED… of having him think that because he has money and I don’t that he can decide everything for US. There is no “US” anymore. There is ME and there is HIM… and we share the kids ONLY because I can’t get a lawyer to seriously look at pursuing custody in my province.

Right now I am all for making him sweat because I am not answering his emails or bowing to his pressure to do things HIS way. I know for one that he can’t take back the original amount that was agreed upon in the court order of support because it was MUTALLY agreed on. But more than that, I have more immediate concerns in my life right now.

My Car

In the last few weeks my car hasn’t been running all that well, and, because I no longer have savings to draw on if something screws up, I have been avoiding taking it into a mechanic. I haven’t had positive experiences with mechanics, as a single woman, and I dread taking my car in on my own knowing that it means that I am at the mercy of someone who KNOWS they have me over a barrel. So I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get my male coworkers to help me with finding a trustworthy mechanic to look my car over.

I have been worrying because something is wrong and I absolutely rely on my car. Without a car I can’t get to and from work (there is no public transportation to the town my job is in), getting groceries, picking up my kids, getting them to and from the babysitter/school…

Right now, I don’t have a safety net in my life … so I do for myself. But that means that if my car was incapacitated I don’t have help to get myself back in order easily. That’s a bit scary.

Noodle/Reg and his father changed out my spark plugs this weekend, and I got a coworker to change out the “ignition wires” and things are working a BIT better but a reported “clunk” sound that I can’t replicate, the fact that my “check engine” light is still on, and there seems to be some lingering hesitation when shifting has me concerned.  Just to have the “check engine” light off will cost me $60… with the potential of them finding a bevy of other faults with the vehicle that will cost me dearly…

 I can’t afford to spend TOO much fixing it, but I can’t afford to not have a car OR to get a new one right now. So the not knowing what is wrong has me worried.

My car is a much more IMMEDIATE need than dealing with theEx.

  The Good things

The BoyFriend

I have to confess that when I first agreed to try things again with Reg I was skeptical. The first go round ended silently, with sighs of relief and regret. But the 4 months break we had really seems to have clarified what direction I am going in my life – and what I want to work towards. I am seeing changes in my life – I have my own home, I’m making my own decisions for the first time in my life – and I like that, I don’t want to start living only for another person again.

At the same time, a good relationship, hope for the dream of a family life again someday (although not too soon), is something I want in my life as well.

I don’t want to jinx anything… I am well aware that this go-round is in the early stages, and I am aware that it was just about this time (~10 weeks)  into the first go-round that the sudden changes started to happen between Reg and I.  I am not deluded into believing (yet) that things might have permanently corrected themselves.  But I am hopeful at the way things are going… the communication is now there, we have discussed hopes, plans and dreams, we’ve gone on dates, and just focused talking and loving each other.

There is hope.

It’s been times and times and times better so far than it was before the break, which makes me believe that the break was necessary for any hope of this working out.

The Home

I love my home. Yes, the additional costs involved in home ownership (I have condo fees and property taxes on top of my mortgage payments) make it equal a bit more than I was paying at the other place… but I’m not paying as much in utilities and I don’t have the constant stress of bad neighbors, a bad neighborhood, sudden 20% increases in rent, or dealing with an absentee landlord.

Yes, it does mean I have to be a lot more frugal, that’s for sure. I have a goal of consolidating the remainder of my debt and getting out of debt within the next 2 years so I can get some things I really want – a real bed (with mattress) and dresser for myself, a couch for my living room, finishing my basement (potentially into a spare bedroom/rumpus room). 

This summer I think I will be cutting back my cable and internet to basics (high speed light internet, basic cable) and potentially getting rid of my VoIP home phone as well… I need to find room in my budget to get myself some new clothes and allow myself the freedom to do activities (yoga, Nia, Tae Kwon Do) without grinding into debt to do it. I am tired of constantly worrying about expenses while wasting money on things I don’t need/use or overspending on things that I don’t really need. I am going to have to decide what it is that my kids will be involved in during the summer – theEx wants all sorts of things to be half paid for by me knowing I can’t afford as much as him— while balancing family outings and my own summer travels.

I need to learn to budget and organize and be MINDFUL and PRESENT with things – buy less foods that will be wasted, smaller meals, cheaper meals, bulk buying and doing once a month cooking/freezer stocking (OAMC). I have cut back on spending on myself, on meals out, and on unnecessary things for the kids and house and am working on being happy with what we do have.

Having my own place is just so much better than renting ever was, and I am glad for that. So greatful that I am going to make sure I keep moving forward and making things better all the time.

Dance

This year I took the plunge and did something I have wanted to do for a VERY long time… I enrolled in an adult beginner Irish Dance class. While I haven’t done any dance for over 20 years (the last class I took I was 15) this was something I wanted to do and I did it.

We’re embarking on our 2010 recital (Friday, June 11 in Saskatoon… be there (laugh)) and I’m pretty excited. Girl Child’s beginner class will be performing that night as well… so it’s a family affair.  I hope that at least my parents will come this time, if only for GirlChild…  I’d like to get a picture of us together in our dance uniforms.

If at all possible I want to continue taking Irish dance next year. Heck, I gotta at least PERFECT one of the beginner jigs

• Light jig (almost!)
• Single jig (halfway?)
• Slip jig (hahahaha)

So what were your sucktastic and great things last week?

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading