As an aside, I was actually pleasantly surprised to see not only ONE rather “goth” mother (she had  piercings through both cheeks, her nose (which I have too) and her hair dyed black) wearing a pentacle… but there was also a rather “suburban SAHM” type openly wearing a pentacle in the school… as well as a few kids proudly and publicly wearing their own signs of Pagan faith. I wish, at times, that I could wear my symbols of faith as openly as all that. I know, too, that I could never give my children a pentacle without risking the heated WRATH of their grandfather..

• I am finalizing a house sale with my ex, which has caused me a bit of concern over the amount of debt I will be experiencing once things are finalized. I feel a bit more up in the air about this than I thought I would
• I have now been given everything from my marriage that I will EVER get back — and I experienced the final LOSS of my marriage through the simple fact that no matter how hard we tried we could NOT get my couch into my apartment. I know that I have 3 love seats, and that it is PLENTY of seating… but I wanted my couch… and now I have had to give it away… and it still makes me sad.
• My lawyer is STILL dragging his goddammed feet about the freaking divorce. I know that there are a million small details to complete before the debts are finalized and all… but HOLY F**K man, when I asked him in JANUARY (the 13th to be exact) how long it took to draw up the divorce paperwork along with the separation agreement and he said “maybe 1 or 2 hours??” and its been 2 months and NEITHER side has started it yet??? FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
• I thought I’d have the divorce paperwork STARTED before I turned 35… but… despite not having that going yet I am STILL turning 35. I have decided since no on ever gives a fuck about my birthday anyway I am not going to have one this year… that’s it
• I know that anytime I lend money I have to expect not to be repaid. I am more worried about saying anything about it, because I don’t want to make a big deal about it  and its more of a trust issue than a NEED for the money back
• I haven’t done my taxes, and I have the kids coming back to me on friday, which means I have to wait ANOTHER week, or beg SOMEONE to take them for an hour (which is unlikely to happen) before I can get this done. As well, my fucking ex went outside of the written agreement and is forcing me to declare an extra month’s worth of spousal support on my taxes, so I am worried that instead of getting money BACK I will have to PAY money in for the first time in years… 
  So… yeah… I’m a stress monkey

• I’d had a rough weekend with RGG, which resulted in RGG getting sick just as I was leaving him alone for the night. I really felt bad, even looking back on it, because I should have just taken care of him that night and helped him out. But in the end maybe it was a good thing to let things go for a bit.
• Worrying too much about communication issues with RGG. I’m still getting used to communicating more in person with RGG and less over the computer, and with the feelings of intense loneliness I have been feeling lately, I was overly stressed out over not being able to talk to RGG online most of the week (what with him being sick Sunday and Monday nights, focused on his video game Tuesday and Thursday nights). I do think that I have worked that out in my mind (where it really NEEDS to be adjusted) now, though,
• Legal issues. The ongoing saga of my divorce (and its almost completion) has really wrung me out lately. Last week I had to talk to my legal advisor/lawyer person 4 times on the phone, which interrupted by work day several times and served to stress me out A LOT. It got to the point on Wednesday that I had to leave work early because I started to get a stress headache and just couldn’t deal with it anymore.
  • having been served with a bill for my legal assistance I am concerned about paying it out versus putting money aside right now and the pressure to get this all completed
  • having my lawyer tell me all the horrible things that will happen this summer (ie, if the house doesn’t sell) and what I can look forward to in a bankruptcy
• Stress headache. Having to leave work early to lay down because of a stress headache wasn’t good, to say the least. I have managed to get it down to a tolerable level now, but my neck and upper back are STILL aching terribly and I am not the kind of person who likes to take drugs of ANY kind… I MIGHT need to find a new way to relax soon.
• Panic attacks. I have had a few panic attacks when I am alone at night. This is unusual for me, at least it has been for a long time, because I am more used to being alone than I am at being with another person. But not having my kids around makes it harder, and feeling a bit on edge because I expect, at any moment, the Stalker to come over and confront me again, makes it harder for me to relax at night. I do have a dead bolt and RGG installed a door chain so I do have a measure of safety. I do still kind of have the nagging concern that I will get home one day and either find him there or a note from him there…
• Waiting for things from the bank. I had to find an alternate way to pay my rent this month, because despite having ordered new cheques from the bank in the first week of January, they are still not here at the beginning of February. I need to pay my daycare for January… and I need a reciept for BOTH daycares so I can do taxes.
• Taxes coming up. This scares the ever-loving-crap out of me. I seriously do NOT know how I am going to get these done and NOT have to pay a huge fee.

• RGG. Seriously, even if things are not exactly perfect in the world, I feel so much HAPPIER and blessed to have RGG in my life. It sounds cheesy and mooshy and really silly, but he really is so good for me. I have never met anyone quite like RGG in my life: he has the ability to make me feel warm and tender and loving towards him even when he’s upset with me, he makes me feel beautiful and desireable, he makes me want to touch and kiss and feel him, he makes me feel safe and comforted even when I am far away from him.
  • I don’t feel like a CHILD with him, and I don’t feel like I am there to just stroke his ego (or other parts) by needing him. I really feel like we are starting to create a good healthy relationship.
• Spending time with a great man. Yes, this is related to RGG, but at the same time I am really happy about having the opportunity to spend the last 3 weekends with RGG, and being able to go out to his house on Wednesday when i was really feeling lonely and needy. It was particularly nice to have him at my place part of the weekend and then to go out to his place to watch the superbowl… and that he didn’t seem at all phased at the sudden realization (on my part) that I missed my kids and that I felt VERY alone.
• Becoming more comfortable in my relationship. Yes, more gooshy stuff about my relationship… This weekend worked out a lot of the lingering sense of discomfort with communication and what we both wanted out of this… which is really good. I was able to sleep next to him without issues, both at my house and at his house!! This is good, because its a break through for my sense of space issues.
• Clean house. Or mostly clean house, anyway, and a continued plan of attack. I have been decluttering, dejunking and just generally getting my place in better order over the week (when I haven’t been feeling sad and lonely or out at RGG’s place) and things in my house are starting to look and FEEL a lot better. I think that letting go of a lot of the old stuff has definately been helping my sense of my own self and my own space. It has been a long time coming, but I feel like I am coming into my own and really starting to find out WHO I am now in relation to all the detritus that has followed me through the years.
  • I have been changing and growing and I am ready to really explore who it is that I am now — not necessarily trying to force myself into the mold left behind in the past.
  • I am freeing myself to let go of things that I no longer need, no longer want, and have no use for… but that I have held onto because of guilt or some other misplaced sense of duty. It has helped a LOT.
• Music. Sometimes its just good to turn on music and dance around (and clean the house) and let things go and flow through you. I have been listening to a lot of musics lately and I am starting to find more and more new artists and styles I like for different moods.

I like this guy… just saying

• spending some quality time with RGG over the previous week
• cleaning out things I no longer want or “need”
• making space in my home as I declutter things
• putting up blinds in my living room (yay having a man around, yay having privacy)
• getting my GST deposited into my bank account… as this will likely be one of the last ones I get (laugh)
• having a wonderful kiss with a more-than-wonderful man on New Years Eve
• having hope for a great year
• my friend “C” moving back to Canada after 8 years living abroad, and moving back to my city
• having STBX helping me to get a wii and wii fit for myself and my kids

• missing my kids
• missing RGG
• feeling overwhelmed
• nasty, judgmental comment on my blog
• Stalker
• unfininshed divorce and legal uncertainty
• feeling super lonely
• panic attacks

• there is hope for 2009
• it is okay to feel lonely, but it is also good to remember all the great things that are in my life
• it is okay to let go of friendships that are no longer benefitting me, no matter what the other person feels about it. In the end I have a right to walk away from anyone I feel is damaging me more than I am willing to accept.
• it is okay to delete comments that are inappropriate on my blog
• I do NOT have to sign ANYTHING I do not feel right about, no matter what the reasoning STBX might have for me taking on debts I had already signed money over to have paid off
• I can be fair to the situation and still SEEM like I’m being a total bitch by not doing what someone else wants me to do.
• I can accept that no matter how hard I try I can’t please everyone all the time
• I have a good life, even with the troubled spots, and I will overcome with my natural buoyancy and pragmatic optimism
• I KNOW I am not a “negative” or “pessimistic” person, despite the down times I have had, no matter what anyone says about me…
• I have more to look forward to than dread
• I have FRIENDS and people who care about me, and I can ask for help when I need it